


Salvation

by Janie94



Category: British Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Real Person Fiction, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dark, Frostpudding, Hiddlesfrost, M/M, Odin's A+ Parenting, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tomki, Torture, one-sided Thor/Loki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-09 08:14:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3242639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janie94/pseuds/Janie94
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[AU that takes place after the events of "The Avengers"]</p><p>Odin banishes Loki to an alternate version of Midgard for 300 years. Without his powers and unable to make any form of contact with its inhabitants Loki is trapped in a downward-spiral of hatred, loneliness and hurt.<br/>That is until 31 years later, he meets Tom who looks exactly like him and is able to see him. And when Loki realizes he begins to care about the human, his confusion makes him lash out on Tom.<br/>But what he wasn't prepared for the feelings Tom arrises in him and he certainly wasn't prepared for Tom to feel the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Walkin' Through This World Alone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/514584) by [Batsutousai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batsutousai/pseuds/Batsutousai). 



> It's been over a year since I started this story and I intended to finish it before uploading any of this. But since I'm haven't been in the mood to continue it for the last six months, I thought I should upload what I have and hope that some of your comments may inspire me to finish this. ;)  
> The title is taken from a song by Skillet.  
> Thank you, Batsutousai, for telling me it was your fic "Walkin' Through This World Alone" that inspired me to write this.
> 
> Also just as an aside: Things are rapidly going downhill for Loki as well as Tom, so be prepared that a step forward might be followed by two steps backwards.

**\--------------**

 

**Salvation**

 

**Asgard**

 

„Loki Laufeyson, you disturbed the peace of the realms with your actions against Jotunheim and Midgard. You killed many innocents and brought war upon the inhabitants. That alone would justify a death sentence.“

Frigga gasped at these harsh words of her husband, but knowing he was right, she didn't interrupt. Loki felt Thor's grip at his arm tightening unconsciously as though he wanted to smash everyone who would dare to come near his brother. But Loki wasn't surprised of the sudden coolness in Odin’s voice, he had expected this to be his fate right after the Avengers had agreed to Thor's wish to take Loki back to their realm and face Asgardian justice. Although Loki felt regret that his life would end like this, he didn't beg for mercy. Never would he throw away his pride like this and give the man he had once called father the victory of having broken him. Staring up into Odin's eyes, he awaited the final words.

„As a punishment for your actions, I will strip you of your _seiðr_ and send you to Midgard for the next 300 years.“

Frigga and the royal advisers stilled in surprise while Thor and Loki were frozen in shock, the older one shouting.  
„Father, think about this again! Loki is not beyond redemption, his heart is not evil.“

„That is exactly why I am doing this to him, my son. I hope the time among the mortals will eventually bring him to his senses. If he changes and regrets his actions deeply, I will welcome him back home with open arms.“

Thor knew his father's mind was too settled for him to change his opinion and he looked at the trickster next to him, wincing at the sight of anger and fear in those eyes which didn't quite fit his poisonous voice.

„This is not my home, I do not have one!“

Both Frigga and Thor were hurt by his words, but Odin didn't so much as grimace.  
„If this is what you think, then I pity you. But I should not be surprised since you never perceive love when you are confronted with it.“

„You never loved me! You never even cared about me, it was always Thor!“

The Allfather didn't answer him, but his face had hardened visibly. Thor leaned closer to Loki, his words only audible for those nearby.

„Mother and I, we both loved you. She taught you magic and how to fight with your knives, do you not remember?“

Loki turned to him, his hateful glare shifting to vulnerability and even a little bit of love, a look which he never showed anyone aside from his brother.  
„Thor, I loved you and Mother once, I will not deny that. But things have changed. _I_ have changed. I am no longer the man you called brother and I will never be again. I did not want things to turn out like this, but we cannot go back and undo it.“

Thor dropped Mjölnir - which was remarkable in itself - and grabbed Loki's neck instead.  
„No, Loki, you are wrong. You are still my brother, you will always be. You just lost your path and I know both father and I are partly responsible for that. I never treated you like you deserved it, I never showed you how much I loved you although you did. I always took it for granted and never returned the affection. I did not realize my mistakes until I was forced to watch you fall into the abyss.“

Loki had stayed calm while Thor had spoken, but now tears were forming in his eyes although he didn't let them fall.  
„It is too late for these words. You were the most important person in my life, my brother and I loved you, yes. But I am incapable of that feeling now. I have let go of everyone or everything I cared about when I let go of Gungnir.“

As the brothers looked at each other, their mother approached them, her hand carefully gripping Loki's other arm.

„No, Loki, you are my son and I know you. Love is what defines you, you could never let go of something that is linked this strongly to who you are. You have always loved with all your heart. Me. Thor. And even your father.“

Loki freed himself from her grip and thereby also from Thor's. „He is _not_ my father!“

Silence filled the room until the Allfather rose from his throne, a look of sadness in his eyes.  
„I agree with the queen and the prince. You have lost yourself and every aspect that made you good, but there is still hope. Yet, with your attack on Midgard you have already proven, that no one, not even your brother, can bring you back. You cannot be redeemed as long as you do not want to be. That is why I am sending you to Midgard, invisible to anyone else, not able to make any form of contact with the mortals or us.“

Again, unbelieving whispers filled the hall as they heard the hard judgment.

While Frigga was left speechless, Thor took a step towards his father, his voice both desperate and pleading. „No, Father, you cannot cast him out and leave him there living like a ghost for 300 years!“

„I can. And I will.“

Odin took the few steps down to Frigga and the brothers, nodding to the guards who immediately stepped forward and grabbed the trickster, dragging him out of the room. Torn between arguing with his father and following his brother, Thor spoke again. „Please, do not do this to him, he has been through enough!“

But Odin ignored him and followed the guards, Thor and Frigga hurrying after him until they had crossed the Bifröst bridge and were standing in front of Heimdall where Odin raised his voice again.  
„This time, I will open the Bifröst, Heimdall.“

The keeper's eyes narrowed as if he wanted to read the Allfather's mind.  
„You only ask this of me when you intend to use magic. Why this time?“

„I do not want anyone to seek out Loki's presence while he is banished. Even if he is left without the ability to make direct contact, you would still be able to hear him if you wanted to.“

„If you ordered me to stay away from him, I would, Your Majesty.“

„When Loki was king of Asgard, you still managed to betray him despite your vow. I do not want to put you to the test, considering Thor would probably beg you to keep an eye on Loki.“

Heimdall nodded in obedience and stepped aside to allow Odin to take his place.

Thor and Loki looked at each other in confusion, not comprehending what exactly the Allfather had been talking about. Thor was the one to voice their question.  
„And how do you want to prevent me from finding him? 300 years is a very long time and I am Midgard's guardian. I will have to get down there every now and then.“

Odin pushed Gungnir into the hole, originally built for Heimdall's sword, before answering. „I never said I wanted you to stay away from Midgard, at least the Midgard you know. I just said, I will prevent you from making contact with Loki.“

While Thor wondered what difference this actually made, Loki finally joined the conversation again.  
„And how do you want to accomplish that?“

Odin lowered his voice to an inaudible whisper, obviously murmuring a spell, and little bolts left the spear, hitting Loki's chest and making him cry out in pain. Without having to ask what was happening, Thor knew the trickster had been stripped of his magic.  
Only then did Odin answer the question. „Loki Laufeyson, I hereby cast you out of this universe.“

Thor and Loki frowned at his choice of words, but Odin was not finished.

„You will spend your next 300 years on the Midgard of an alternate universe, not being able to contact anybody, walking the realm as a ghost without your _seiðr_ to aid you.“

Loki gasped as a ball of green light left his chest, trembling as if it desperately wanted to return to him. He reached out to touch it, but it danced further away unwillingly until it hit the edge of the Bifröst and was sucked into it. Loki felt a tear escaping him as he stared at the spot where the ball had vanished, his voice surprisingly calm. „What did you just do with my _seiðr_?“

„I banished it from this realm. No barrier I could build up inside of you would be able to guarantee that there is no way for it to find its way back to you. Gungnir will track it down and bring it back to you after your return if I consider you worthy of it.“

Loki nodded and for the first time he realized the impact of Odin's judgment. Without his _seiðr_ he was nothing and now he would have to learn to live without it as well as live alone. Suddenly a hand touched his shoulder and when he turned to the side, Frigga was looking at him through tearstained eyes and pulling him into a tight embrace.  
„Loki, please remember that I will always love you no matter what. Just come back to us.“

He rubbed her back, but didn't respond since this was a promise he wasn’t sure he could keep. When he pulled back after about a minute, Thor had approached him with tears rolling down his face, something that happened so rarely Loki couldn’t even remember when it had occurred the last time. He grabbed Loki's neck in the same affectionate way he always did, searching for words of comfort, but he had none to give. After a short hesitation Loki found himself in Thor's arms, the blond's face buried in his neck and he allowed himself to cry with Thor though he hadn’t expected he would still care for him, but looking back, he should have known. On Midgard, he could have killed Thor but had found himself unable to do it. Back then he had considered it sentiment, but he should have known that their bond - though damaged - was still present.

Odin cleared his throat and reluctantly Loki let go of Thor. He took a step back, feeling the strong pull of the vortex behind him. Gungnir sent out bolts again that made him step back further and one last time, Loki looked at the Allfather.  
„I cannot believe I once called you my father. A parent could never inflict this on his child. But I will make you regret this for all eternity!“

Just as he spat his last words, a particular large bolt hit him and he was sucked through the portal.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter, but it's been a year since I've written it and I still have no idea what exactly I should improve.  
> I promise the future chapters are not that boring.
> 
> P.S. I'm not a Native English speaker and this is unbetaed, so there will be mistakes. Especially when it comes to punctuation. Sorry in advance.

**Alternate Midgard**

**31 years later**

 

„Oh, come on, man, we need to celebrate a bit.“

To underline his words, Chris Hemsworth slung his arm around the shoulders of his co-star and best friend, Tom Hiddleston, whose hand immediately landed on his waist.

„Alright, Chris, where do you want to go? Or more importantly how do we get out of here without anyone noticing?“

Chris sighed. Of course, Tom was right. They had just entered the red carpet again after watching the premiere of their movie  _Thor_ and now they were swarmed by excited fans that wouldn't let them get away this easily. Their celebration would have to wait since these fans were the reason of the recent hype about the new Marvel movie, so they took their time taking pictures with the fans and signing autographs, chatting with the interviewers and occasionally joining their co-stars. 

After Chris, Tom and the main female actress Natalie Portman had posed one last time for the press, Tom felt an arm sliding around his middle and while he was still busy apologizing for having to leave, Chris dragged him to their limousine. When the car pulled out of George Street, Tom sighed in relief.

„Well, that was a bit exhausting. I thought they would all go for you and I could just stand there and laugh at all the fans that tried to kiss you.“

Chris smiled.

„Loki is one of the main characters too, what did you expect? And jokes aside, you did an amazing job with portraying him.”

The compliment made Tom blush.

„Thanks Chris, that means a lot, especially coming from you. But I didn't do that much, the writers just gave me great things to work with.”

Annoyed but still grinning, Chris rolled his eyes.

„Will you please stop belittling yourself and just take the compliment?”

„Okay, sorry.”

„And please stop apologizing for everything. One day you will apologize for being born.”

„Alright, sor-“

Tom managed to catch himself in time and shut his mouth until the driver pulled over at Chris' command to let them out in a not so busy part of the city.   
Tom followed him without a question since Chris was the Aussie and therefore probably much more experienced with the pubs in Sydney.

After they had entered one, he took a seat at the counter next to Chris who had already ordered two beers and was chatting with the bar keeper whom he obviously knew.

Not too long later Tom began to feel uncomfortable although he didn’t understand why. He was becoming more anxious with each passing minute and his gaze was drifting to the door every time he heard somebody enter. After ten minutes, Tom mentally slapped himself and stared at the glass in front of him, trying to ignore the nagging feelings in his stomach.   
Why would somebody take notice of him anyway? He was not a famous actor, at least not yet since it would be another four days until their long anticipated movie would hit the Australian cinemas and two additional weeks for the release in the USA. He was probably just becoming paranoid, because this would be the biggest movie in his whole career.

Chris interrupted his thoughts. „What's wrong? You look troubled.”

Tom shook his head and forced a smile.

„Don't worry, I am still a bit overwhelmed by the audience's reaction to our movie.”

That answer satisfied Chris and soon the two actors found themselves deep in a conversation about that recent experience, wondering about the future and the possibility of a sequel since they had been contracted for a total of five movies even if this this only meant Marvel could use their characters for up to five movies, but didn't have to. 

They already knew Thor and Loki would be in  _The Avengers_ , because  the director Joss Whedon had paid them a visit on set and had filmed that post credits scene with Tom, Samuel L. Jackson and Stellan Skarsgård as a hint to the upcoming plot. At this point Chris' brothers Luke und Liam showed up, a few other crew members joining them some time later.

While Tom always found the chemistry of the Hemsworth brothers quite amusing, it didn't take very long until the only thing he wished for was his bed. He quickly excused himself ignoring Chris' pout and stepped outside to fetch a cab when once again he felt like being watched. But he chose to ignore it as well, so he didn't bother to turn around, telling himself he just needed sleep. 

After a ten minute drive he was entering his hotel and taking the elevator to the third floor where his room was.

 

~0~

  
The first two years of his exile Loki had pleaded, screaming to the skies above until his throat was hoarse. But like Odin had promised no one could hear him or by all means bothered to listen to him, not so different from the humans who could neither hear nor see him and were even walking _through_ him.   
Though sometimes when he got another outburst, he could have sworn the animals nearby would get nervous and flee from him which wasn't much better than being ignored. 

Although he was not able to make any contact with another being, he had soon discovered that opposed to an actual ghost he was not able to walk through walls and he could touch things, so naturally it had been fun to pull pranks on the humans for a few months, but he had soon grown tired of it. The worst part still was that he couldn’t use his magic to hurt the mortals like a ban that protected those worthless creatures. 

Loki felt even more abandoned without his magic and he sometimes wondered where his powerful  _seiðr_ had gone. Had it created a magical trap around itself to prevent others from finding it or was it hiding in the sea? It could be anywhere, so he knew there was no use in searching for it. 

Still as the years went by, Loki had to admit he felt utterly alone and forgotten. He had begun cutting his skin, glad when the pain shot through him and made him feel alive, but had started slow with minor cuts to various parts of his body as he was now as vulnerable as a mortal and the wounds would take time to heal. 

Sometimes a human would see the drops of blood that had trickled on the ground or the bloodstained knife he had been using. It was such an irony that his blood - such an important of his body - would only be visible after getting separated from him as if it did not deserve to be seen as long as it was inside of him. Over the course of time he had cut himself deeper and more often until last month, when he had fallen unconscious for two full days because of the immense blood loss. He had been laughing at the streams of red color leaving his body and the cold spreading through his veins right before he had passed out. 

Since that incident he hadn't hurt himself again, because he was sure Odin's curse would prevent him from dying before the end of the 300 years and it would mean he would always wake up feeling too exhausted for anything but breathing. So he was now allowing his body a bit of time to recover. 

He was just striving through the more popular streets of Sydney, long used to people walking through him as if he was nothing but air, when he noticed a crowd in front of the big cinema, a place where Loki sometimes stopped by to kill time by watching movies. Today was obviously the premiere of a new movie which was not so strange - Loki had seen this quite a few times already - but he felt a strange urge to check this out, almost like a pull.   
Just as he had reached the edge of the mass, he looked up to inspect the movie poster over the cinema and he forgot to breathe. 

It was his brother Thor with Mjölnir in his hand, in the background the heads of that mortal women (what was her name again? Jane?), the Allfather, Heimdall and...himself. He didn't know what was happening, maybe he had fallen asleep and it was just a weird dream?   
His head began to spin from the lack of oxygen, so he took a few deep breaths, just as the crowd went wild when a few black limousines arrived at the red carpet, seemingly waiting for the stars to leave the cinema. Not knowing what he should expect, Loki walked straight through the people until he was in the front row surrounded by crazy fan girls. 

A few men he didn't know – probably crew members - stepped  out of the cinema then his eyes widened when an old man with the same face like Odin appeared, the only difference apart from his Midgardian clothing his very short hair and two healthy eyes. Next to him was a woman that looked exactly like Frigga her hair open.   
Before Loki was able to recover from the shock, another man appeared with two young women and Loki recognized Dr. Selvig, Thor's mortal Jane and her companion whose name he couldn't remember, all of them without any visible difference. The next five people were a bit more difficult to recognize: The man at the left looked very similar to Heimdall, just shorter in height and with brown eyes instead of gold, but then again, no mortal had golden eyes, so he shouldn't be surprised. The one next to him was the hardest to recognize without the long red hair and the beard, but after a few seconds he noticed the face was very similar to Volstagg's. The woman in the middle looked exactly like Sif, the man at the right was basically Hogun without his ponytail. The man next to him was the only one he couldn't place anywhere at all, but judging by the blond hair and the fact that only one member of the Warrior's Three was missing, this should be Fandral. Loki was torn between fear and confusion. 

All these people were obviously nothing more than human actors, but why did they look exactly like the Asgardian counterparts they portrayed save for the man who had been cast as Fandral? Before he could decide how he should react - if at all - the crowd began screaming in a volume that was almost deafening and when his eyes turned to the cinema's entrance again, the world stopped turning.

The left slightly taller man looked exactly like his brother, only with shorter hair which was also a bit too brown, but otherwise the similarity was breathtaking.   
And then Loki's gaze shifted to the man next to him and it was like looking into the mirror, yet somehow not. The man looked so much like Loki, apart from his too short hair which – judging from the too bright eyebrows - had been dyed for the role. His skin was not as pale as Loki's, but the most disturbing disparity were the eyes, because they were a light blue opposed to Loki's green ones. But what really made him look so much different than Loki was his appearance. There was a wide joyful smile on his lips, an expression Loki had never seen before on his own face and with the twinkles at the corners of his eyes and the little dimples created by that smile, the man looked so positive and...well...nice.  
Loki gulped in surprise as he noticed the way the two actors were behaving around each other, it looked so comfortable. 

Loki just stood there frozen in place as he watched his look-alike giving autographs, taking pictures with the fans and answering the interviewer's questions. 

After quite a while, just when Loki had concluded that this actor actually was way too friendly and he began to wonder how that man had managed to win the casting as the God of Mischief, Loki noticed he had unconsciously backed away a bit. He forced himself to stay in place and watched how once again, the actor and his brother's doppelganger let the fans and the press take pictures of them together. Loki had already witnessed how often they did these things together as if they were drawn to each other like magnets and he couldn't help but be remembered of Thor and himself, how often other people had pointed that out too. Still Loki didn't like that and felt anger boiling up inside of him, as Thor's actor slipped his hand around the waist of his copy although he knew it was a common position for photographs. He blamed it on the fact that he missed his brother and the touches on his own skin and tried to calm down.   
The two men were now obviously leaving since they were walking to the black cars and that's when Loki noticed the nervousness of his look-alike. 

The man was glancing around as if he was searching for something, but then the two got in the car and were driving away. 

Loki desperately wanted to follow them, but he didn't know where they were heading and also, why would he follow them anyway? This was an alternate Midgard where none of the things he had done had happened, so it made sense that this universe had created alternate versions of every living soul to balance this out.   
He should just shrug it off and go on. But he found himself unable to and began to follow a man - who although not starring in the film - had still entered the red carpet like a celebrity and been giving autographs, sometimes sneaking up on the actor of Thor. Since they shared so many exterior similarities, Loki guessed that this must be his brother. And right now he heard that man shouting to someone else.

„Hey Luke, come on, let's search for Chris, he's just taken off with Tom.“

The man who responded looked like an older version of Thor and Loki concluded he must be another brother.

„Alright, Liam, we should try _Cleveland_ , that's his favorite pub in Sydney.“

Luke and Liam left the event and since they were obviously intending to walk, that pub couldn't be too far away, so Loki followed them while listening to their conversation. Half an hour later they entered said pub and Liam winked at the two familiar persons at the counter.

„Hey, Chris, why didn't you let your brothers come along too?“

The Thor doppelganger sighed, but couldn't hide his smile as Liam walked over and hugged him while Luke and the invisible Loki stayed in place. When Liam pulled away, he patted the arm of Chris's companion who had his back turned to Loki but was obviously the man portraying him.

„So Tom, did my brother kidnap you?”

The man chuckled.   
„No, actually, I was as desperate to get away as he was.”

„Aha.”

Liam's simple response made the man blush and as Loki took a few steps to the side to get a better look at his face, he found the sight of the red cheeks fascinating. He silently rolled the name around in his mouth.   
_Tom_.   
An ordinary name for a human. Why did that surprise him?   
While he was wondering about this, Chris who had just pulled his older brother Luke into a hug, rescued Tom from the awkward situation.

„Liam Hemsworth, would you _please_ behave?“

The youngest Hemsworth brother opened his mouth as if he wanted to argue, but Chris gave him a warning glare and Loki got the impression Liam might have hit a nerve there. 

Suddenly more people entered and Loki recognized almost half of the  _Thor_ cast, probably invited by a message from either Liam or Luke, and the room was now so noisy that Loki couldn't understand anything else of the conversation. He knew he could have just walked through everyone and stand in front of them without one of them noticing, but being so close to the men that exactly resembled his brother and himself didn't sit well with him and it drove him furious as he sat down in a dark corner of the pub and spent the rest of the night watching Chris and Tom until the latter excused himself and left the pub. 

After a few seconds of debating, Loki followed him outside and watched the man entering a cab and driving away. 

Perfect, now he had lost Tom. 

Then he remembered that all the cast members probably stayed in the same hotel and so he followed the actress of Sif who had just left the pub too into her cab, feeling strange sitting next to that woman without her noticing. 

After a short time they reached a hotel and when the woman entered the elevator, Loki sat down on the chair behind the reception desk and waited a few minutes until the man at the computer disappeared to make himself a cup of coffee, so that he wouldn't see the computer seemingly working on its own. It took Loki mere seconds to find the file with the guest list which gladly had a search function. When he entered the name  _Tom_ he got three results, making him swear that he didn't know the actor's surname. 

In the end he decided to go for the one who was in the same corridor as Chris Hemsworth: Thomas William Hiddleston.

Grabbing the master key which was hanging in the vitrine behind him, Loki took the elevator to the third floor and searched for room 24.

Turning the key in the lock, he opened the door and stepped in.

The lights were still on and the bed was empty, but the sound of the shower was coming from around the corner where the bathroom had to be.

Still not sure what exactly he was doing here, Loki waited in the corner for his doppelganger to show up. He tensed when he heard the bathroom door opening a few minutes later and when his carbon-copy stepped into the room, Loki jumped out of the shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny fact: Fandral didn't fit simply because I prefer Zachary Levi over Joshua Dallas ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry it took me this long to update. Unfortunately real life got into the way and I had no time for writing. I hope this chapter makes up for it.

 

The second Tom was finally heading for his bed, he noticed a dark figure from the corner of his eye and the next moment he was pinned to the wall behind him, making him groan in pain. When Tom's head stopped spinning from the hard contact with the solid surface behind him and he could see clearly again, he froze. The man in front of him looked exactly like him or at least how he had looked like on the set of  _Thor_ . The only differences were his longer hair and his sparkling green eyes.

„This is not possible.”

Tom's words made the man frown in confusion and he asked with insecurity.  
„You can see me?”

„Why would I not, you're standing right in front of me.”

The man's expression changed to a mix of surprise, delight and fear. „You should not be able to. Nobody save from the Æsir should be.”

While a silent voice in Tom's mind was asking him why he hadn't begun screaming and fighting yet, he tried to understand what was going on. „Okay, either someone drugged my beer or I'm going insane. You can't be the one I think you are.”

The man's face darkened with anger and hate and his grip around Tom's throat tightened dangerously. „I am Loki of Asgard, the one and only.”

That was exactly what Tom had expected to hear, but it still was the wrong answer if he wanted to prove his own sanity. He tried to speak, but could not do more than struggle for breath while his attacker continued, his voice rising in volume.  
„How do you even exist? How can an unworthy mortal wear my face while I am still in this world? I understand that the other doppelgangers exist to balance the dimensions, but why you? I am alive, so how can you be here?”

While he had been talking, his nails had begun to dig into Tom's neck and the human whimpered in pain, breaking Loki's thoughts as he loosened his grip just enough for the man to take a few deep breaths. Tom coughed and tried to sort out if his look-alike was actually the real Norse god, because it could still turn out to be a hallucination caused by a drug somebody had put into his beer earlier. But even if it was, it certainly wouldn't hurt to go with the man's trail of thoughts, no matter if he was real or not.

„So, you are the actual Loki? What are you doing here in my room?”

Loki's voice was pure venom. „I am here to prove I am the only Loki, there cannot be two of us in this world.”

With that he threw Tom sideward against the mirror and the actor slid to the floor, the pain in his head blurring his vision again as he felt blood trickling down his temple. Once again he wondered why he didn't shout for help or at least try to fight, but since some crazy part of him actually believed Loki, he had decided words would do him a better service here.

„Loki, wait! Why don't you go back to Asgard if you don't want me in the same world as you?”

His reward was a kick to his stomach that sent him flying into the wardrobe. „I am unable to, you dull creature! I have been banished to this alternate Midgard by Odin and I cannot go anywhere else.”

Tom managed to get onto his knees, noting that he had just a few more bruises and no broken bones which was a miracle.   
„I'm sorry for you, Loki.”

That made the god halt, because how strange was this? He was about to beat that human to a bloody pulp and the man apologized for something that wasn't within his power? And on top of that, he really seemed to mean it judging from the sympathetic look in his eyes, an expression Loki couldn't stand to see on his own face.

„How dare you pity me, mortal? You are beneath me and should fear me!”

To Loki's disbelief the soft look on Tom's face didn't change.   
“Then kill me if it makes you feel better. Though I doubt you can.”

His calmness irritated Loki even further and the seconds passed as one part of him was urging him to go on and end the human’s life while the other one agreed with Tom’s words.   
He was right, it would not change anything about the situation if Loki killed the mortal here and now. He could still do it later if he wanted to.

„Maybe you are of use to me, then I could let you live for a little while longer.”

Tom took this as permission to stand up. „So am I allowed to clean up my wounds now?”

Loki had almost forgotten about them and he nodded, watching Tom disappear into the bathroom. When he thought about it now, it was a bit strange: For the 31 years he had been here, his body had been downgraded to a mortal one's. He healed as slow as them, he got as easily wounded as them. But without much effort he had just thrown an adult around like a rag doll. He should have not been able to do that.   
A few minutes later he was interrupted by Tom approaching him again, the blood wiped away and his hair a wet mess of curls that looked so different from Loki's slightly wavy hair. Tom had changed into pajamas and was now lying down on his bed very carefully to prevent making his head hurt even more, only wincing when he accidentally shifted his weight onto a bruise.

When he was comfortable, he looked up to Loki. „What are you going to do now?”

„What a stupid question. It is in the middle of the night, I will search for a place to sleep.”

„So you don't have somewhere to go to?”

It could have been a question to point out a weakness, but Tom's face was so honest, Loki didn't feel offended.

„No.”

For a moment there was heavy silence before Tom patted to the free space next to him.

„Then stay with me.”

It was such an unexpected request that Loki forgot to put on his usual mask of hate and sarcasm.  
„What?”

„Stay with me. At least for this night.”

Loki's mind immediately tried to calculate all the possibilities how that would gain the human any advantage, but he didn’t come up with any satisfying explanation. The man must have lost his mind.

„You realize I just tried to kill you?”

Tom didn't even flinch.  
„Yes, I do. But you just told me you won't do so as long as there is no reason to. Which means for now, we are past that.”

  
He patted to the empty side of the double bed again and slowly Loki stepped to the edge of the bed.

„You should not put your trust in strangers this easily.”

„You are no stranger.”

Loki didn't like how affectionate that sounded, but Tom had already slipped under the sheets and closed his eyes. The trickster couldn't remember the last time somebody had dared to be this vulnerable in his presence and least of everybody this human should, considering Loki’s earlier actions. After a few minutes of silently debating, he gave in and lay down on the other side of the bed, careful to keep a big distance between himself and Tom. Contrary to the human he didn’t slip under the sheets to maintain the possibility to flee if this somehow turned out to be a trap. He didn't allow sleep to overcome him for almost two hours, but since the even breathing of Tom hadn't changed a bit during that time, he finally let himself be lulled to sleep.

 

~0~

 

When Tom awoke the next morning, the first thing he saw was Loki's body stretched out at the other side of the bed, his emerald eyes watching him.

„You're still here.”

It hadn't been a question, so the god didn't give him an answer, he just let his eyes drift over Tom's body and the actor suddenly felt self-conscious. He was surprised when Loki spoke to him softly.

„I hurt you quite badly last night. What are you going to tell your friends? I doubt they would believe you if you told them it was the God of Mischief.”

„I didn't intend to. I'll just tell them, I got into a fight last night after I had left the pub.”

„And the mess in this room?”

„As long as I'm paying the hotel for the damage, my friends don't need to know about that.”

Loki nodded and Tom slowly stood up, trying not to grimace at the pain in his body. He could feel the trickster's eyes following him as he went to the bathroom and shut the door behind himself. He stepped into the shower and let the warm water flow over his back, soothing his tense muscles and for the first time he began to think about the things that had happened. In the other room was the actual Norse god Loki who had almost killed him last night. How could something as crazy as this happen to him of all people?! Maybe he was going insane and this was just a nightmare, a creation of his own imagination. The thought made him laugh hysterically. A hallucination couldn't have hurt him this badly, but maybe he had inflicted all the bruises on himself while suffering a seizure. And the fact that his mind had created Loki as the look-alike of him could be a sign that he was going through a mental illness, maybe even a split personality. As a consequence Loki would be everything Tom wasn't, but they still belonged together.   
Tom had to laugh in desperation once again. What would happen to him when he was suffering the next seizure? Would he hurt someone else, maybe even murder someone? He imagined slitting Chris' throat and shuddered in fear. No, he couldn't allow this to happen, he wouldn't. Slowly but determined, he turned the water's temperature from warm to hot, biting his tongue to keep quiet as it began to burn his skin. After a few seconds he couldn't hold it back anymore and screamed in agony as the heat burnt through his back and attacked his raw flesh. He heard the door open and a distant voice shouting  something and then there were arms around him, dragging him away from the heat. The last thing he saw was his own face, before his vision went black and he slipped into unconsciousness.

 

~0~

 

Loki caught the human as his body gave in and his eyes closed, lifting him up into his arms bridal style and carrying him back to the bed. As he laid Tom down and his fingers brushed over the burnt skin, he tried to understand what had happened. Nobody else had been in there, so Tom must have done this to himself, but why? Loki moved him around until he was resting on his stomach rather than his wounded back. The burns were quite severe and would make it impossible for the man to work for a couple days. While Loki was still taking in the damage, he couldn't help but notice the beauty of Tom's body which was a strange thought since it looked just like his own except the tanned, more human shade of his skin. Nevertheless Loki's eyes focused much longer on Tom's ass than what was appropriate in this situation, but then the human stirred and opened his eyes slowly, drawing Loki's attention back to his face.

„You're still here.”

„Are you going to say this every time you wake up?”  
  
Tom chuckled weakly. „Sorry. But I'm still thinking you're just a product of my imagination.”  
  
Sighing about Tom's lack of faith in his words, Loki stepped closer and let his hand come around the human's throat although gentler this time and he squeezed lightly, making Tom groan in pain.

„Do you feel that? It is the exact spot where I almost strangled you to death last night and dug my nails into your skin, that is the reason why it hurts so badly now. If I was not real and you had done this to yourself, you would have either stopped as soon as the urge to breathe became too strong or your hand would have convulsed until you would have actually killed yourself. But you would have not been able to stop just in time, so we can safely assume I did this and I am a very real being.”

After a short moment of rethinking, Tom nodded in agreement and allowed the god to come to the more urgent matter.

„Is this why you just tried to kill yourself, mortal? Because you thought you were going insane?”

Tom didn't say anything but he didn't need to. Loki couldn’t understand the human’s trail of thoughts and it made him furious.

„This is pathetic.”

„I didn't want to hurt my friends. And since I'm spending so much time with Chris, he probably would have been my first victim if I had a seizure.”

While speaking, Tom's voice had changed its tone as if the mere thought of hurting Chris was too much for him to bear and it made Loki snarl at him.

„You are talking about the human portraying my brother, am I right?”

Tom nodded though a bit irritated by the change in Loki's mood.

„Talking about Chris, does he also look so similar to the real Thor?”

Loki didn't want to talk about his brother and all the memories of Asgard, but Tom's suicide attempt had made him too wary of Tom’s confusing thoughts to avert the topic.

„Yes, except for Fandral every character has been perfectly cast as far as I can tell. Your friend looks even more like Thor than you look like me if you are ignoring the fact that Thor has longer hair, just like mine is longer than yours.“

Looking excited Tom sat up, shuddering as the pain made him remember to take things easy.

„How come we all look so much like you?”

„Remember when I told you that this Midgard is an alternate one? I guess, every universe has other versions of the same persons although I am not sure why.”

„Fine, it does explain all the other cast members, but what about me? You are here in this universe, so an alternate version of you should now be living in the universe you came from. Or is it because you don't belong here?”

Loki almost forgot to hide his smile because of the intelligence of his shadow image.

„Possibly. Another complicated question would be what happens when someone dies? According to that logic, another doppelganger must be created immediately, but if it was like this, we would have the same set of individuals for all eternity and people who outlive them would notice. Even if the reincarnation was not human but another race, someone like Heimdall who can see everyone and everything would notice the similarity of their souls.“

During Loki’s speech Tom had begun to apply some balm onto his wounds, grimacing through clenched teeth.

„Who's to say there always has to be a living doppelganger? Even if not in a body, a soul might still able to exist, so maybe the soul creates just one doppelganger and then it passes on to the afterlife.”

Loki shot him an approving look.

„You're quite intelligent for a human, I have to give you that much credit.”

The compliment made Tom blush and Loki couldn't look away, the sight so – and he hated to even think it – cute. Blinking at the confusing thought, he got back to the topic.

„Still, it is strange that all doppelgangers are born within the same lifespan when the universe has all the time in the world to let them be born.”

„Maybe fate was preparing itself for your coming.”

That was not something Loki could argue with.

„A profound thought. But I guess it is what it is and does not change anything. There are still 269 years of my punishment left for me, then Odin will hopefully take me back and we will see what he decides to do about me.”

„What have you done to deserve this?”

The genuine way Tom asked this kept Loki from pushing him away but rather tell the truth.

„First I tried to destroy the Frost Giants while I was King of Asgard and then I attempted to take over Midgard.”

„The first half is basically what happens in our movie, but the rest is new. Although I have a feeling it may be part of the plot of _The Avengers_ judging from what I have heard of Joss, the director. He promised me I'd get the script as a present for my 31st birthday so we’ll see soon.”

His last sentence made Loki still. „When is the day of your birth?”

„Um, 9th February 1981. Why?”  
  
It took Loki some seconds to respond.

„That's strange. I was sent here on 18th May 1980 according to the newspapers I saw that day. That's a gap of 268 days, exactly the duration the pregnancy of a human woman takes. It cannot be a coincidence!”  
Tom began to think about this and for the first time since they had met, Loki could see one of his own familiar expressions on the mortal’s face.

„So you think your arrival here has caused my birth?”

„Everything seems like it, but it is impossible that these events are that closely connected. You are just a human and I am stripped of my powers, so the only possible explanation would be that someone else has done this, but I somehow doubt that. Odin chose this alternate Midgard, because I have no enemies here. I actually do not know anyone since it was meant as an exile.”  
  
For a moment they stayed in silence, but then the frown on Tom’s brow vanished.  
“Look, whatever the reasons behind all of this are, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re stuck here for a very long time and we need to find a way to get you back to Asgard.”  
  
Loki began to wonder if he had overestimated the man’s intelligence or if Tom had just chosen to ignore the facts he didn’t like.  
“I need to wait for the next 269 years before I can return, it is as simple as that.”  
  
“You cannot stay alone for all this time, it will drive you insane,” Tom argued with desperation in his voice.  
  
“Even more insane than I already am?”   
Those were Odin’s words, Loki knew it the moment he said them aloud, but there was some truth in them.  
  
Tom’s face softened and there was sadness visible in his bright blue eyes.  
“You know this is not true. You are misunderstood, you were abandoned and eventually you turned on the people responsible for your pain. But you are not insane.”  
  
Loki could tell that he meant those words and he was struck dumb that this mortal was able to read him so easily. Suddenly it was too much for him, all this kindness the mortal was showing him despite everything Loki had done, it became unbearable. Loki didn’t even notice he was moving until there was soft skin under his fingertips and red blood trickling down his hands.  
His eyes widened when he realized his fingers were dug deep into Tom’s throat and the human’s screams got choked off by the blood in his windpipe.  
  
“No,” was all Loki could say before the fragile body sagged against him and he was holding an unconscious Tom in his arms again.

For a moment Loki was shocked of his own action, and he buried his face in the crook of the human’s bloody neck, the feel of Tom’s pulse calming him immediately. There was a part of him that was wondering why he was relieved to feel it, this was a worthless mortal after all, but he managed to silence it. The mortal hadn’t deserved this. Only then did Loki realize that this had been the second time within seven hours that he had almost killed the man and he remembered that Tom had been so afraid of him that he had attempted to kill himself only minutes after the incident. The god couldn’t blame him, he hadn’t done one thing to prove to Tom that he was anything but a monster.   
  
He jumped when there was a knock on the door.  
“Tom?”  
  
Loki’s heart skipped a beat when he heard the worried voice of his brother from the other side of the door. Then his mind caught up with him and he reminded himself that Chris was living next door.  
  
“Tom, please open up! I thought I heard you screaming.”  
  
Loki remembered when Tom had told him he couldn’t stand the thought of hurting Chris and he realized their feelings were going both ways. Chris cared for Tom as much as Tom did for him and Loki recognized that right now Tom needed someone to take care of him, something Loki wasn’t used to and therefore not able to do.   
  
“Tom, even if you don’t open that door, I’m gonna come in anyway.”

Loki carefully let the body in his arms sink to the ground and took a step back, noticing only then the puddle of blood on the floor.

Then the door burst open and Chris entered the room, freezing when he saw Tom lying unconscious in his own blood.  
“Oh my god, Tom!”  
  
Loki watched as he knelt down beside Tom, cupping his face with shaking hands and pulling away again when he noticed the wounds on his throat.  
Chris barely managed to pull out his phone and dial 000, his mind not even able to think straight after his fingers had found Tom’s pulse.  
  
Loki stayed beside the two humans until the paramedics had closed the doors of their car to get Tom into the nearest hospital.

The last thing he saw was a frantic Chris holding Tom’s hand as if to make sure he wouldn’t die without anyone noticing. When Loki turned around to leave, he felt even deader inside than during the times he had hurt himself. He didn’t even have the energy left to ask himself why the well-being of this mortal mattered so much to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you wondering: 000 is Australia's emergency number  
> And I know I'm cruel for doing this to Tom. But I'm afraid I have to tell you it will be a while until things will stop spiraling downwards between those two.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait, but real life's a bitch and I have finals coming up next month.  
> But I promise the wait for the next chapter won't be that long again.

_\--------------------------------------_

_Long pale fingers reaching for him, closing around his throat._  
_A sudden pain when their grip tightened and made it impossible to breathe._  
 _The last bit of air he had left in his lungs leaving them in a scream that died down when there was too much liquid in his mouth._  
 _The taste of iron on his tongue and his eyes finally falling shut to the image of two wide green orbs staring at him in shock._

__  
Tom’s eyes snapped open and he was blinded by the bright light above him that made him groan. His vision was still blurred when he felt his hand being grabbed and then there was a shadow above him, shielding him from the light and he heard a familiar voice, but Tom’s ears were too overburdened to make out any particular words.  
After some time Tom recognized Chris above him and he tried to smile.  
“Chris?”

It came out hoarser than he had expected and he coughed lightly before relaxing into the hand that had come up to his cheek. And finally he was able to understand what Chris was mumbling to him.  
“It’s okay, Tom. You’re going to be better soon.”  
  
Tom looked around and noticed they were in a hospital. For a moment he was confused, but then he remembered and tensed up immediately. He tried to touch his throat with the one hand that wasn’t held by Chris, feeling a thick bandage instead of skin. Tom glanced around, but Chris was the only one in the room and Tom was glad that Loki wasn’t here. He was afraid how he would react if he saw the god’s face again.

Chris’ thumb began to stroke his cheek soothingly and Tom looked up to his best friend, waiting for the question he knew would come.  
“You scared the hell out of me, Tom. What happened?”  
  
The older one shook his head, not wanting to tell Chris the truth. There was sadness in Chris’ eyes before he sat down on the bed, leaning closer to Tom’s face.  
“Tom, I understand you don’t wanna talk about this now, but please help me understand. Why did you do this to yourself?”

Tom frowned wondering what had made Chris assume this, but then Chris - mistaking his reaction - continued.  
“I was the one who found you in your room and I was watching while the doctor’s treated you. I’ve seen the bruises all over your body and I’ve seen your back.”  
  
Tom closed his eyes when Chris mentioned his other injuries, knowing he wouldn’t be able to come up with anything that would satisfy Chris. He couldn’t tell him about Loki - his friend would wonder if he had lost his mind – but he also didn’t _want_ to tell Chris, it felt too personal. He watched silently as tears began to form in Chris’ eyes when his fingers wandered down to touch the bandages at Tom’s throat.  
“Please come to me when you think everything is too much for you, we can work this out together.”  
His bottom lip trembled as he tried to keep himself from crying and he let go of Tom’s hand to hide his face in it.  
“For a second I thought you were dead and I had lost you and ...”  
His voice broke off and Tom reacted on instinct.

He pulled himself up and hugged Chris, grateful for the painkillers that soothed his aching wounds. There was a moment of hesitation where Chris was stiff, obviously concerned about Tom’s burnt back, but then his arms came around Tom’s waist and he began to sob into Tom’s shoulder.

This was the position the doctor found them in several minutes later, both of them only reluctantly letting go when the woman made preparations to check on Tom’s throat.  
“Mr. Hemsworth, if you would please wait outside?”  
Chris nodded, but Tom could see fear in his eyes and he remembered that Chris was convinced he had just tried to kill himself and was now obviously worried what other secrets Tom would keep from him. Tom reached out and grabbed Chris’ hand when he stood up.  
“It’s okay, he’s with me.”  
His friend whipped around, an unreadable glint in his eyes while the doctor looked between them for a moment, before she understood what he was implying.  
“Oh, okay. Then please take a seat behind me, so I can do my work.”

She looked over Tom’s medical file which the previous doctor had given her, then she shook her head, turning her dumbfounded face from the file to Tom.  
“How can you talk already? It says here your vocal chords have been damaged. You shouldn’t be able to make a peep.”  
Tom looked as surprised as she did, so instead of waiting for his answer, she reached for his throat.

Chris followed the movement with his eyes, and he couldn’t hold back a wince when the doctor had removed the bandage and revealed the wounds, now cleaned from most of the blood and accented by the cold light. It didn’t look as bad as Chris had remembered and he blamed his panic upon seeing Tom’s motionless body for his different memory, but then he watched the doctor’s face frown as well.  
“You’re healing very fast, Mr. Hiddleston.”  
  
“Why does that sound so bad?” Tom asked, his voice still so hoarse that it took effort to understand the words.  
  
“No, it’s just… I don’t understand. These photos were taken right after you had been brought to the hospital this morning.”  
She held up the photos of the file and Tom yelped in surprise when he saw the mess that seemed to be his throat, the skin ripped from the flesh and visible holes where strong fingers had dug into the skin with more force than any human could ever put up.  
  
Tom’s hand unconsciously touched his ripped skin and he ignored the pain it caused, confused when it felt not as bad as it looked like on these photos.  
“It feels like most of it has begun to heal already.”  
  
“Yes, it _looks_ like that too. Do you mind if I take a blood sample to analyze it in the lab?”  
  
“Go ahead,” was all he could say, before he had to cough again and he allowed the doctor to take some blood before putting balm onto his injury and renewing his bandages.  
“You can go home if you like to, we can’t do anything more than wait for it to heal. I’ll check the injury again in three days to make sure it doesn’t get infected.”  
  
Tom nodded and flashed her a grateful smile before he left the bed and walked over to Chris as soon as they were alone in the room again.  
“I know I have some explaining to do, but can we please let it go for now? I need a bit of time to think.”  
  
Chris clenched his teeth, swallowing the questions on his tongue.  
“Fine, but we _will_ talk about it sooner rather than later, okay?”  
  
Tom nodded and together they left the room and walked down the stairs of the main hall in an awkward silence. Tom spoke again after the cab had brought them to their hotel.  
“Chris, have you told the others what happened?”  
  
“All they know is you had an accident and were brought to the hospital. Half of the crew has visited you, but the doctors were convinced you wouldn’t wake up anytime soon, so the last ones left just an hour before you awakened. I feel honored to be your chosen one.”  
  
He grinned when Tom rolled his eyes, but the banter only lasted for a few seconds, then the worry was back in his eyes.  
“Listen, not that I’m complaining, but have you any idea why you’re healing so fast? You’ve seen the pictures, it’s kinda strange.”  
  
“I know, but it doesn’t make any sense to me either. I’ve been hurt before and this is the first time something like this happened and I can’t imagine why.”  
  
Chris looked at him a little while longer, before he seemed to deem it as the truth.  
“Well, maybe the analysis of your blood will give us some answers.”  
He stopped in front of the door to his room, forcing a little smile.  
“Will you promise me not to kill yourself if I’m leaving you to your own now?”  
He had meant to make it sound like a joke, but it ended up to be an honest request.

Tom turned the lock of his own room.  
“Yes, I promise. I just need a bit of time alone.”  
  
“Sure. I will tell the others to let you be for the rest of the day.”  
  
Tom was once again reminded of what a good friend Chris was.  
“Thanks. One more thing, could you please keep to yourself that it wasn’t an accident but that I tried to commit suicide? I don’t want them to treat me differently.”  
  
Chris didn’t know if this was the right thing to do, Tom needed help to deal with whatever was bothering him, but he would betray Tom’s trust if he made these important decisions for him, so he just nodded and entered his own room.  
  
Tom sighed at the whole situation and stepped over the threshold. Just when he had closed the door behind him and turned to his bed, he froze in place at the sight of Loki standing next to it with obvious nervousness.  
  
“I did not mean for this to happen, Thomas.”  
His voice was laced with various emotions, but Tom almost missed them because this was the first time Loki had called him by his name. And of course the god mistook his silence as condemnation.  
“I did not intend to hurt you, I just felt vulnerable and lost control over myself.”  
  
Tom knew he should be furious or afraid and at least make an attempt to kick Loki out, but standing in front of him now, all he could feel was sadness. He took the last steps towards Loki and the god tensed as if he expected Tom to hit him, his gaze fixed at the bandages on the human’s throat.  
“Look at me, Loki.”  
  
His voice was calm, but there was a dangerous tone to it that made Loki obey. His emerald eyes were unshielded for once and Tom could see the fear of rejection in them. Tom was reminded that Loki hadn’t been able to talk to anyone for decades and it would probably stay this way for a much longer time. Tom wondered what Odin had hoped to accomplish with this banishment. All it did was destroying the goodness in Loki’s heart, making him feel alone, abandoned, worthless and forgotten. What had Odin been thinking to separate him from Thor and Frigga, the only people who could have saved him from himself?  
Tom brought up his hand to Loki’s face and touched it lightly, surprised by the electrifying feeling in his fingertips.  He heard Loki gasp as well, but the god didn’t flinch away still waiting for any sort of punishment.

After several moments Tom let his hand fall back to his side and rounded Loki to flap down onto the couch. His throat had begun to itch and he had to fist his hands to keep himself from tearing the annoying bandages to shreds.

Loki had turned around still wondering if Tom had really chosen to let him get away with his actions or if he was merely postponing it. He could still feel the touch of the mortal’s fingers on his face, but he was distracted when he took note of Tom’s discomfort.  
“Does your wound hurt?”  
  
“Not so much, it’s just burning a bit all of a sudden.”  
  
“Let me see it,” Loki commanded, biting his bottom lip when he remembered this was his fault and he was therefore in no position to order this human around. But thankfully Tom didn’t seem to mind but pulled off the bandages, tilting his head to the side so Loki could get a better look at it. The raven haired was confused when he took in the state of the injury.  
“It looks as if it was several weeks old.”  
  
“What?!”  
Tom leapt up and stared into the new mirror at the wall. Loki was right, it was almost healed and looked even better than what he could remember feeling when he had touched it in the hospital just an hour ago.  
“What the hell is going on?”  
  
Loki stepped next to him still looking at the wound.  
“When did it start to burn?”  
  
“Just now when I –“ Tom started but broke off, his eyes widening.  
  
“When what?” Loki asked, unsure what to make of Tom’s facial expression.

The mortal turned to look at him, his gaze so intense that Loki felt like a deer caught in the headlights.  
“When I touched you.”  
  
His words hang heavy in the air and Loki felt something stir inside of him, but he ignored it.  
“It cannot be because of me, Odin has taken away my powers.”  
  
“I know, I’ve just answered your question. But according to the doctors it already began healing while I was in hospital and you weren’t there. Maybe there is something wrong with _me_?”  
  
“Is this the first time something as strange as this happened?”  
Tom nodded and looked surprised when Loki reached out and touched his throat gently.

The sensation was beyond anything Loki had expected. His fingers twitched and his head began to spin as if he was getting high on a drug. But then Tom backed away from his hand and Loki was pulled out of his daze.  
“Thank you, Loki. However you managed to do it.”  
  
Loki blinked in confusion, noticing only then that Tom’s wound had healed completely and that the eyes of the human were wary. Loki had no idea whose doing this was, because he shouldn’t be able to access any magic and Tom was just a human without any knowledge how to use magic, so it couldn’t be him.  
  
His thoughts were interrupted when Tom coughed, a blush creeping onto his face.  
“Would you mind healing my other wounds too?”  
  
Frowning because he was still convinced he wasn’t able to do anything involving magic, Loki only managed to nod, watching as Tom took off his shirt and presented his back to the god. His burnt skin had already begun to heal a lot faster than it should, nevertheless Loki rested his hand on Tom’s body and this time he was prepared for the energy filling him.  
He focused on the mortal and observed in fascination as new skin began to cover the flesh, its shade darkening until it matched the rest of Tom’s body and then the bruises caused by Loki’s manhandling began to disappear as well.

Just as Loki wanted to pull his hand back, Tom closed his eyes and moaned, the sound doing things to Loki’s body he hadn’t felt in a very long time. His heartbeat sped up while the oblivious Tom pulled away and Loki was finally able to think straight again, recognizing this feeling as desire. Anger rose in his chest at both Tom and himself, because he was above such primitive thoughts and not a slave to his own body, he wouldn’t give in to his desire for a weak human.   
It had to be because the man looked just like him, his narcissistic side told him and he forced himself to calm down. It would do him no good if he lashed out again and accidentally killed the actor, he needed to solve the mystery of Tom’s hidden magical skills first. And Loki convinced himself that this was the only reason why he spared the mortal’s life.  
  
Oblivious to Loki’s inner turmoil Tom put on a new shirt - a white V-neck – and turned back to the trickster.  
“Loki, why exactly are you here?”  
  
The god glared at Tom although he should have known this question would come.  
“I do not need to explain my actions to an insignificant human.”  
  
Tom blinked and Loki could briefly see the hurt in his eyes.  
“Fine. Then I ask you to leave.”  
  
The cold tone in Tom’s voice matched his words and Loki was taken aback.  
“How dare you try to co-”  
  
“Leave. Now.”  
Tom wasn’t shouting, but he didn’t need to, his calmness was far more intimidating.

Both men were aware that Loki could just stay if he wanted to, but the raven haired knew he was in no position to force his presence onto Tom after all the things he had done. Another thing to add to his list of failures. He had managed to piss off the only person in all the realms that was able to see, hear and talk to him. It figures.  
  
The time it took Loki to cross the room and get to the door felt like an eternity and when he passed Tom, he was tempted to ask for forgiveness. But Loki, the god of mischief, never apologized so he forced himself to stay quiet and leave the room. The sound of the door shutting behind him felt like a slap to his face and the trickster realized he was utterly alone again.

At the other side Tom was finally able to exhale.  
He should feel relieved that the god was gone, but all Tom could think about was the look on Loki’s face when he had kicked him out. Immediately Tom had wanted to take his words back, but he wouldn’t let himself be treated like this. But that did nothing to ease his conscience and when Tom fell facedown onto his mattress, he just lay there for several hours desperately wishing for Loki to return.  
The night had already descended when Tom admitted to himself the god was most likely not coming back and he fell into a restless sleep unaware of the two ravens flying away from the tree outside the window.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason for the "Graphic Depictions of Violence" tag, so those of you whocan't cope with that should turn around now. ;)

The next month was hard for Loki. 

One part of him was urging him to seek out the mortal’s presence again, but the other wanted to lash out and hurt him – a feeling far more familiar to the black-haired. He knew the actor was long gone either promoting his movie somewhere else or back home in England if his accent was anything to go by.   
With this mortal being the only one able to communicate with Loki, it was no wonder his thoughts always came back to him. Even so Loki hated it and he wanted to inflict pain on Tom.   
  
For being so kind to him while everything the god was used to deal with was distrust.   
For being so friendly and open while Loki was wicked and withdrawn.   
For being the one to belong into this universe and live a normal life while Loki was just a ghost trapped between two dimensions. 

When Tom was his alternate form and basically the exact person, why was he not suffering as well? Why did he deserve to be happy when Loki couldn’t even remember how that felt?   
  
His thoughts began to spiral and became darker with each passing moment. This time he did not try to snap out of it but allowed the darkness to envelop him, welcoming the hatred and rage that would always put an end to his misery. He tilted his head back and looked up to the sky, an evil grin forming on his face.  
“I hope you can see me, Allfather, and be witness when I’m breaking this human. Because it is you who made me this way and it will be you who will have this human’s blood on his hands.”

And only 13 hours later Loki was watching Sydney from the window of his seat on a plane that was heading for London.

 

~0~  


When the doorbell rang, Tom set his cup of Earl Grey aside and got up from his couch. 

After glancing up at the clock on the wall, he opened the door and put on a mask trying to hide his joy at finally seeing his little sister again.  
“Emma Hiddleston, you are late again.”

  
She smiled apologetically before she threw her arms around him in a tight hug.  
“Sorry, I was held up.”

  
“By a fashion shop?”  
When she pulled back, Tom was smiling and pointing at the plastic bag in her hand. 

She shrugged nonchalantly.  
“Yes. I was just passing by when I noticed the new summer collection has arrived and as the nice sister I am, I decided not to drag my big brother on a shopping tour, but to do it alone. So be thankful that I spared you.”  
  
Tom laughed and helped her out of her coat.  
“Am I complaining?”  
  
“No, but you were about to. But enough talking about me, tell me what you have been up to.”  
  
Tom poured her a cup of tea as well before he sat down next to her. “You mean apart from promoting _Thor_? Not much, I just auditioned for BBC’s _The Hollow Crown_ series last week.”  
  
“Did you get the role?”  
  
Tom carefully placed his mug away and sighed.  
“Emma, it’s not that I’m not happy to see you, but why are you really here? You’re doing small talk with me and you look quite nervous.”  
  
Her smile fell and she looked down at her free hand.  
“It seems I can never fool you, huh?”  
  
Tom leaned forward and took her hand into his, a little grin forming at the corners of his mouth.  
“God of lies, remember?”  
  
She burst into laughter and playfully kicked him in the shin before getting serious again.  
“Chris called me this morning and told me you tried to commit suicide after the film premiere in Sydney.”  
  
Tom’s face hardened immediately. Of course Chris would talk to Tom’s family about this, he was worried after all, especially since Tom hadn’t called him for a week. 

Emma gripped his hands tighter.  
“But he’s wrong, isn’t he? You didn’t…”  
  
He met her eyes and as much as he wanted to soothe her, he couldn’t come up with anything else that would explain the events. Because the truth was still no option. So he didn’t say anything at all and her eyes widened in shock.  
“No, Tom. Tell me it isn’t true, please!”  
Her voice was shaking and he pulled her into another hug, quietly rubbing her back when she began to sob.  
“Why? You were always such a happy person, I can’t…”  
She broke off again and cried even more into his shoulder. 

After some minutes Tom deemed it safe enough to pull back and he wiped the tears of her face.  
“Listen to me, Emma. I was drunk that night and I was freaking out because of all the unexpected attention I got at the premiere. I didn’t really mean to do it, it just kind of happened.”  
  
It was a poor excuse and the way Emma was looking at him, he knew she didn’t believe him.  
“Please don’t lie to me, Tom. I’m not judging you, I just want to help. Tell me what did we do wrong?”  
  
He should have known she would blame herself, he would do the same if he was in her position.  
“You didn’t do anything wrong, no one did. I don’t really know why I did it, but I promise it won’t happen again, so please stop worrying, okay?”  
  
But she didn’t stop worrying and it took him three more hours to calm her down to the point where he felt he could let her leave again. 

It was sunset when he stepped over the doorframe and watched his little sister go, a frown forming on his face as he began to wonder who else Chris had told about his accident.   
He pulled out his phone to call his friend, but his instincts made him look up. He felt uncomfortable although nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. The people on the street were the same as always and they didn’t behave any differently.   
Tom waited a minute and glanced over the area, but then he sighed and turned around, getting back into his house and closing the door behind him. He leaned against the kitchen counter, before finally dialing Chris’ number. 

After some rings he was greeted by Chris’ sleepy voice.  
“Dude, it’s 4.30 am!”  
  
Crap! He hadn’t thought about the time difference.  
“Shit Chris, I’m sorry. I totally forgot that I might be ringing you out of bed.”  
  
“It’s alright, I’m awake now anyway, so tell me what’s up.”  
  
“Emma came by after she had a little chat with you.”  
Tom tried not to sound accusing, but he was failing horribly and Chris must have noticed it too, because there was a short silence, before he replied.  
“I know, I should have talked about this with you first, Tom. But the longer I couldn’t check up on you, the more frightened I was, so I called Emma. You two have always been close and I wanted somebody to watch out for you.”  
  
“I know you just want to help, but next time you want to know how I’m doing just call _me_. Please tell me, Emma is the only one who knows.”  
  
“Yeah, she’s the only one. Like I said I just wanted somebody to be there for you, nothing else.”  
  
Tom relaxed a bit. He didn’t want to imagine what would happen if his older sister Sarah and his parents knew.  
“Look Chris, why don’t you visit me for a few days? Then you can see that I don’t have any bloody knives in my sink and there are no dangerous pills in my bathroom.”  
  
Chris chuckled and the tension between them finally subsided.  
“I know I’m impossible, but it doesn’t help that I miss you like crazy.”  
  
Tom understood, because he and Chris had grown accustomed to seeing each other frequently during filming and promoting and it had been hard for both of them to accept that they wouldn’t be able to meet up that often since they lived at opposite sides of the world.  
“I know, I miss you too. Call me when you’ve got some free time and I’ll prepare the guest room for you.”  
  
“You’re supposed to be angry with me, Tom. I’m behaving like a wife that is afraid that her husband might cheat on her.”  
  
Now it was Tom’s turn to laugh fondly.  
“Well, _darling_ , I will leave you to your precious sleep then. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”  
  
“Okay. Bye, Tom.”  
  
“Bye, Chris.”  
  
Tom put the phone aside and switched the TV on, trying to concentrate on the movie, until he almost dozed off. 

Half an hour later he finally lay down on the bed ready to fall asleep. But then he could sense a presence and his eyes snapped open again, staring into the darkness. 

Before he knew what was happening, a hand was over his mouth and a shadow fell over him when the person shifted closer, halfway sprawling himself on top of Tom’s body. And then there was a familiar voice whispering to him though much sweeter and more dangerous than he had ever heard it.  
“If you scream, I will kill you very slowly, little human.”  
Carefully Loki let go of Tom’s mouth but otherwise stayed in place, making it impossible for Tom to move away and bring some distance between them. 

Tom’s heart was beating so loud that he was sure Loki could hear it too.  
“Loki, what are you doing?”  
  
“I am doing what I should have done when we first met.”  
He grabbed Tom’s hands and pulled them above his head tying them together with a rope. Tom tried to struggle, but Loki’s grip was iron and when the trickster spoke again, it sounded like he was smiling.  
“Am I correct in my assumption that you live alone here?”  
  
Tom simply nodded, trying to figure out what Loki was up to you. 

The god shifted slightly so Tom could see his features in the moonlight, but then Tom tensed when he saw that Loki had one of his daggers in his hand.  
“Perfect. I think we will have a lot of fun.”  
  
The fingers of his free hand traced down Tom’s jawline tenderly, then his other hand came down and the blade sank into Tom’s stomach. Tom screamed and tried to double over, the pain bringing tears to his eyes. But the trickster’s hand that had previously touched his face pushed his chest down again and Tom could distantly hear Loki’s voice.  
“Do not worry, mortal, I have much experience with this. You do not have to be afraid of missing anything, I will make sure you will be staying awake long enough. Your exceptional healing power will be of good use for me here.”  
  
Tom hadn’t even noticed that the dagger was still in his body until the pain intensified and moved upwards when Loki dragged the weapon up to his ribs, cutting Tom open like an animal that was about to be gutted. His screams mingled with Loki’s loud laughter and then the pain began to fade and Tom felt that Loki’s hand was resting on the wound, healing him slowly.  
“You’re doing very well, Thomas. I like the sound of your pain, it would have been such a shame if I had muffled it.”  
Tom couldn’t look away when Loki raised his hand – now covered in dark blood – to his own face and licked it off like a cat at a bowl full of cream. 

Still breathing hard he watched when Loki’s body tensed and the god looked down at him with a cruel smile tugging at his lips.  
“Hm, even your blood tastes like power. But we do not want me to get addicted now, do we? Since I need to stay focused on filling the room with this beautiful voice of yours.”  
Tom whimpered at his words and Loki leaned forward, his hand on Tom’s stomach again, soothing the wound immediately.  
“But like I said, you are doing so well, you deserve a little reward.”  
He leaned forward even more, his lips at Tom’s earlobe.   
“Until tomorrow night, Thomas.”  
  
And then the weight of his body on Tom’s was gone and the mortal heard the door open and then close again, indicating he was truly alone this time. Still he couldn’t sleep until it was already early morning.

  


~0~

 

Loki was sitting not too far away from Tom’s house on a bench and tried not to think of this human, but he failed horribly. The situation had got a bit out of control, because he had wanted to stay longer, to watch Tom’s scared face even if Loki was not touching him. But then he had tasted Tom’s blood and it had been a taste way too delicate and exquisite for simple blood. 

In his years on Midgard Loki had sometimes stumbled upon the term  _vampire_ that described a creature that seemed to have taken a liking to blood, and Loki briefly wondered if Odin had turned him into one, but he quickly dismissed the thought. He had tasted his own blood on a regular basis during the latest years and there was no comparison to Tom’s blood. Additionally he didn’t feel like his life was depending on the human’s life essence, it was more like an addiction. 

Loki could still remember the raw power that had flooded him the moment his tongue had tasted the first drop, but whenever he had swallowed a sip, the power would leave as if it was clinging on to Tom. This human was becoming even more interesting than Loki had imagined. 

He didn’t move until it was dawn and the streets were coming to life again. Only then did Loki get up and walk back to Tom’s house, stopping when he saw the actor leaving it to take a walk.  
Loki had promised not to return until nightfall and he intended to keep it, not only because the human needed some time to get his strength back, but also because Loki needed to lay down some rules for himself if he wanted to make this game as long and enjoyable as possible. 

He observed the stiff way Tom was walking, the way his hand cradled his stomach inconspicuously as if there was still a dull pain, a reminder of last night. The thought of having left a mark on Tom - even just temporary - delighted the god and he looked forward to doing it again. When the day came that he would grow tired of this mortal, his whole body would be as scarred as his memory and every time he would look into the mirror, he would remember the way Loki had inflicted that particular mark on him. 

Rolling all the possibilities around in his head he stayed in the shadows of the bushes for the whole day, only breaking out of his daze once when Tom returned from his long walk. He had never felt so glad when the light of the sun was finally becoming weaker and fading into orange. Yesterday he had been able to sneak into the house when a girl had left it, Tom following her a few steps outside; the open door a silent invitation for the trickster. He wondered if Tom had locked it now and he would be forced to use violence to get in, but to his surprise he was able to pull the handle without any resistance. 

He took his time to take in the house more consciously until the sun had vanished leaving Loki standing in the dark. He got up the stairs and reached for the door to Tom’s bedroom finding it unlocked as well. 

Tom was sitting on the mattress with his back to the door, his form visibly trembling even though he was trying to hide it. His voice on the other hand was strangely calm.  
“Will you kill me?”  
  
Loki entered the room silently, taking a few steps closer. He could tell that Tom was afraid, so why didn’t he try to run or cry for help? Loki was curious how far he could go before the human’s survival instincts would kick in, so he answered truthfully.  
“Yes, I will. But not tonight.”

Tom nodded and finally turned his head towards the intruder thereby biting his bottom lip.  
“I’m sorry, Loki. For kicking you out and leaving you alone again.”  
  
This kindness again. Loki was so sick of it, why couldn’t this mortal respond like any other normal being for once?! He grabbed Tom’s arm furiously and resisted the urge to throw him into the window choosing the bed instead.  
“I did not come here to listen to your apologies!”  
  
The actor was lying on his back staring up at the god in fear, but he made no attempt to escape, even when Loki was kneeling down on the mattress right in front of him.   
“I know, I just wanted to tell you before you kill me.”  
  
Loki pushed at Tom’s shoulders forcing him to lean back onto his pillow. Now Loki’s shadow was blocking the moonlight and he couldn’t make out Tom’s facial expressions anymore which he found unacceptable. He wanted to see Tom properly when he was taking him apart, so he switched on the light on the nightstand next tom Tom’s head and almost pulled back, because he had never been able to look at the human’s eyes this explicitly. He had only seen that they were a light blue, but now with their faces just inches apart and no darkness to disguise them, Loki discovered there were tiny spots of cinnamon in them, barely visible right now because of Tom’s dilated pupils.  
  
 _Beautiful._  
  
It was the first thought that popped into Loki’s head when he saw these eyes and he smiled coldly.  
“Little mortal, has someone ever told you that you have gorgeous eyes?”  
  
The question and the soft tone threw Tom off completely and he just stared up at Loki unsure of what to expect. Loki didn’t move and just watched while Tom’s body calmed down slowly, the black pupils shrinking slightly and revealing more of that sea of blue, the cinnamon islands better recognizable now. He was almost in awe for a moment, pride rising in his chest that his alternate form was this handsome, then he shifted his weight onto Tom’s thighs to hold him in place.  
“They are very different from mine. I wonder if my magical healing could be used to change their color until it matches mine.”  
  
Tom blinked confused, trying to understand what the trickster was saying, but then the god’s hands grabbed his temples and his thumbs dug into Tom’s eyeballs. He screamed and shook violently, his own hands pulling desperately at Loki’s to get them off, but the god didn’t loosen his grip and simply watched the streams of crimson running down the human’s face. Then his fingers met more resistance and he assumed they had hit the back of Tom’s eye sockets, so he pulled back to observe his work. Tom was sobbing and scrambled away from Loki as soon as the god had let go of his skull, but his eyes were destroyed completely, only more blood gushing out. 

The image reminded Loki of his own torture during his time with Thanos, because that must have been how he had looked like when the Titan did the same to him.  
“Now you feel what I felt, mortal. But there is so much more that I can show you.”  
He lowered his hand and touched one of Tom’s ribs grinning when the human flinched away from the touch. Loki wondered how much of his old physical strength would return during the times he was near Tom and he decided to test that. He put more force into the touch and his nails sank through the skin smoothly, drawing another whimper of Tom.  
  
“Loki, please stop it! You don’t have to do this!”  
He was appealing to Loki’s humanity, but the god laughed that Tom could be so foolish to still have faith in the goodness in Loki.  
  
“No, but I _want_ to do it. I enjoy seeing you like this.”  
  
Suddenly Tom stilled and even though there were only dark holes instead of eyes, Loki was sure Tom would be focusing on his face if he could.  
“I know. After all the pain you have gone through, you want to show that for once you have the power to hurt someone else this deeply. I know you need this to keep from falling apart completely.”  
  
Even though Tom couldn’t see him, Loki was unable to do more than stare down at his doppelganger wondering if there was any truth in his words. He knew he wanted to hurt Tom, but he had never really bothered to think about why. 

He forced the thoughts back, Tom was just trying to confuse Loki so he would stop this.  
“Do not dare to assume you know any of my intentions.”  
  
His fingers were already halfway in Tom’s side when he curled them around one rib and Tom was almost biting his tongue off to keep himself from screaming, but Loki pulled with all his strength and there was the sickening sound of a loud crack followed by Tom’s piercing cry of pain as the bone was ripped out of his body and his blood was splashing out of the wound and painting both Loki and the wall behind Tom in dark red. 

The god wiped it off his face with the back of his hand before bringing it to his lips and tasting it again. It was even better than he had remembered and Loki hummed contently though the feeling of power faded as quickly as last time.   
When he finally turned his attention back to Tom, he noticed that the drumming of his heartbeat had slowed down dangerously, indicating that the human was at the brink of death.  
“No, my sweet little pet, it will not be this easy for you.”  
  
He pressed his hand to the open wound where he had just ripped out one of Tom’s ribs and watched the skin knit itself back together. He let his hand stay there a few moments longer until Tom’s body stirred again and his heartbeat returned to the usual frantic beating Loki had come to enjoy. 

Tom’s voice was already hoarse from screaming.  
“Go on, I can take another round.”  
  
Loki stared down at him in disbelief and wished he hadn’t destroyed those eyes to be able to study them now. Was that mortal trying to be courageous or just insanely stupid? Loki didn’t like not to know about Tom’s intentions so he decided to take him up on his offer.  
“Well, if you insist. Not that I had anything else in mind.”

He touched Tom’s jaw and smiled when he felt the human jerking away in fear. Acting on a whim he stroked it gently, feeling the delicate bone under his fingertips before he tightened his grip.  
Tom whimpered at the pressure and it turned into a shriek when his jawbone cracked in Loki’s grip. Tom tried curling into himself and this time Loki let him, because they had already come farer than last night and he wanted to build it up slowly. 

He wasn’t sure if Tom even noticed that Loki was still here, so he quietly slipped off Tom’s body and rolled to his side watching Tom who had presented his back to the god. It was a vulnerable position for the human and Loki couldn’t tell if he had simply acknowledged that Loki would hurt him either way or if he still trusted the god to stick to his unspoken promise of reducing the torture to once per night. If it was the latter – and Loki had the distinct feeling that it was – Tom was even more naïve than Loki had thought possible.   
But there was something strangely endearing about it and before he could stop himself he had touched Tom’s shoulder and turned his body towards him. Tom’s trembling intensified in anticipation of more pain, but Loki ignored it and leaned forward, his lips lightly touching the back of Tom’s left eye socket, before he turned to the right and did the same. He could have done it with his hands like all the previous times, but now that his need to hurt this mortal was satisfied for the next few hours, he almost felt affectionate. And he had no reason not to be, because he was simply being narcissistic, he told himself. 

He watched with a small smile when two new eyeballs were growing slowly, but his joy was short-lived when the iris was forming and he wasn’t looking into scared emerald orbs, but rather light-blue with a hint of cinnamon. Back with the Chitauri Thanos had often made Loki look into the mirror when he was finished torturing him and it was not the image of broken bones, ripped skin and pools of blood that had stayed carved in his memory like the Titan had obviously intended, but the utter fear in his own eyes, an expression Loki had never seen in them. But he had come to like it, because whenever he would see it, it meant he had survived another endless day of pain. To see his face with the same fear but such a different eye color threw him off. 

He brought up his hand to touch Tom’s jaw and didn’t move until it was healed as well. Then he pushed himself up from the bed in order to leave, but suddenly his hand was grabbed and when he turned he was looking into Tom’s exhausted face which was still covered in blood and sweat.  
“Wait, please. I want you to stay.”  
  
Loki stared at his doppelganger in utter surprise, but when the seconds passed without any change in the human’s face, Loki finally asked.  
“Why would you want me to stay? I tortured you and I intend to do it again once I return to you.”  
  
“I know. But I kicked you out once and I regret it. I don’t want you to feel lonely.”  
  
Loki’s voice turned several degrees colder.  
“I am not lonely. I do not need the company of a pathetic little human.”  
  
There it was again, that little flash of hurt in Tom’s eyes and he dropped his hand.  
“Very well. But you might want to take a shower, you’re coated in my blood.”

Tom didn’t look particularly better, but Loki didn’t comment on it. He could already feel the liquid drying on his skin and it was uncomfortable, so without another word he entered the bathroom and switched on the lights.  
  
He quickly undressed and examined himself in the mirror.   
The joy he had felt at inflicting pain on the human had disappeared and was replaced by a strange longing that was visible in his now unguarded emerald eyes. 

He stepped into the shower and turned it on, trying to clear his thoughts like the cold water would clear from red to pink to transparent with each passing second as it was washing off the blood. He stayed under the stream of cool water far longer than necessary, but it did little to calm his mind and in the end he turned it off and dried himself with one of the towels. He wrapped it around his waist before walking back into the bed room to his human that had managed to confuse him entirely. 

He was surprised when he found Tom asleep. Actually he should have expected that, the human was exhausted from all the torture and the screaming even if the physical wounds had been healed. Loki stepped to the bed and considered waking him – Tom was reeking of dried blood and sweat after all –but then he acted on a different impulse and gently touched Tom’s shoulder.   
He was used to the sizzling in his fingers whenever his skin came in contact with Tom’s and he tried to concentrate on something else, on performing a spell. Since he was naturally gifted in the art of magic he had only used actual spell words in his very first years when he had still been a child, but he had quickly learned to do simple spells on instinct like the one he wanted to do right now. He felt so powerless now that he had to stick to carefully murmuring the words aloud and not knowing if it would work at all – it was just a theory after all – but then he could feel it working though it was so different from the way he was used to: The magic didn’t come from within him, it was rather seeping into him from that mortal and he was merely channeling it and sending it back. 

A few seconds later Tom was cleaned and Loki felt totally exhausted. He stood up and walked into the bathroom to get his Asgardian clothes he had left there. Although Loki had stolen many sets of Midgardian clothes from leather jackets to a simple pair of blue jeans, he still preferred his old clothes. Even if he had lost his seiðr, the fine fabric of Asgard obviously hadn’t, because as one of these it wouldn’t soak up any dirt staying clean no matter how long he wore it. 

Loki had already known that blood was one of the few things that would stay in the material and true to that he was now looking at the dark stains in it. He touched it and murmured the same words he had just used on Tom, but nothing happened and now Loki was sure that his theory was right: Tom was his only way of doing a bit of basic magic. 

His face darkened as he grabbed the clothes and turned around to walk back to the bed. He hated being codependent, but since Tom was sleeping it was easier to ignore that and with his free hand he touched Tom’s arm. It took him a lot of effort not to send the magic back but to channel it into his other arm in which he held the clothes and when he was finally finished, he was too exhausted to leave or even put his cleaned clothes on. 

His lids were already closing when his mind told him that he would regret this, but as he fell forward onto the empty side of the soft bed, he couldn’t bring himself to care and a moment later he was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this is the low of their relationship and things are going to get up from here.


	6. Chapter 6

The first rays of sunlight were tickling his nose when Tom woke up. He still had a week left until filming of _The Avengers_ would start for him, so he just turned around and intended to sleep a bit further. But just as he rolled over, he noticed Loki lying next to him and he scrambled away to the edge of the bed in anticipation of the pain to come. But nothing happened and only then did Tom notice Loki’s closed eyes and his relaxed breathing. He was sleeping. Tom sighed in relief and slowly crawled closer again to watch the god. He was sprawled over the mattress and had not even bothered to get under the sheets. He was naked safe for the towel around his waist and Tom concentrated on the long black strands that hid his face and were still damp from the shower. For a few minutes Tom didn’t move, because he expected those eyes to snap open the moment he did, but the longer he watched Loki the more curious did he become and after almost half an hour he gave in to this strange feeling and reached out with his left hand. He stopped in midair when suppressed images flashed up before his eyes: Loki pinning him onto the bed and sending him into a world of blinding pain several times and it took Tom a few more minutes to bring his breathing under control again before he tried again. He was so afraid to touch Loki, because whenever Loki did that, it was either to hurt him instantly or to heal him in order to hurt him later. Despite his trembling hand he managed to touch one of the strands of the god’s hair that was covering his face and he carefully brushed it behind his ear. He hadn’t even withdrawn his hand yet when Loki’s eyes opened slowly and the only thing Tom could see were those emerald orbs that he now associated with pain. Loki’s brow furrowed – he obviously wasn’t fully awake yet – and the movement finally ended Tom’s state of shock and he went into panic mode. He was hyperventilating and could distantly hear somebody screaming – he realized a moment later that it was himself – and a look of alarm washed over Loki’s face before he moved again. Suddenly he was on top of Tom and pinning him to the mattress though there wasn’t that maniacal expression in his face and his grip was gentler, allowing Tom to trash around wildly instead of threatening to break his bones, but still all Tom could see before his inner eye were those two nights of torture.  
“No, Loki, don’t hurt me, please!”  
He tried to fight the trickster off and his eyes darted to the window next to the bed. He didn’t care that there were several meters down to the ground, because it would only break his legs and he -  
“No.”  
Loki had followed his trail of thoughts and his eyes had widened at what the human was obviously thinking.

His hands tightened around Tom’s wrists and when he spoke, his voice was deathly cold.  
“Calm down, Thomas.”  
And to both their surprise that was exactly what Tom did. He went limp and was staring up to Loki with fear written all over his face. His eyes were so wide that their blue was even more salient than usual and Loki once again had to marvel at the beauty of his lookalike that was still so different from him. Loki felt his chest swelling with proud and something else he couldn’t quite place and he smiled, his voice almost tender this time.  
“I am the only one who is going to hurt you, my dear little pet.”  
He could feel Tom’s breathing speeding up again, but it was different this time, more controlled. It was only when his eyes left Tom’s face to take note of his trembling form that he noticed the scars on the perfect body. For a moment Loki was too perplex to do anything than stare and he didn’t even care that his mask was slipping, because the unfamiliar expression of unprotectedness seemed to frighten Tom even more. Loki ignored it when he conceived that the scars were his doing, the leftovers of all the injuries he had inflicted on this human and Loki almost squealed with delight. Because he had marked Tom, it meant that he was truly his alone. His eyes followed the lines and he quickly decided that he wanted more of them on Tom’s body. But it had only been a few hours since the last torture and Loki didn’t want to break his own rule, so he took a deep breath to force his mind to slow down. He slid off Tom’s body and crossed the room, but just as his hand grabbed the door handle, Tom asked silently.  
“Please stay.”

Loki turned around and not for the first time he wondered if this mortal had gone insane. Though he hadn’t got a satisfying answer the last time, he still needed to ask.  
“Why would you want me to?”  
“I want to have you near me.”  
Loki raised his eyebrows questioningly, urging Tom to continue.  
“I don’t want you to be alone any more. It’s already been too long.”  
There was so much sympathy in his eyes that Loki wanted to run and flee from all this kindness he didn’t deserve – now even less than at their first meeting.  
“I do not need your pity, mortal.”  
“I know. That’s why I don’t intend to let you stay without making a deal.”

Loki still didn’t like how Tom was looking at him, but he was far too interested to care.  
“And what would that deal be?”  
Tom stood up from the bed and took a few hesitant steps towards the god.  
“I will let you stay with me and allow you to do with me as you please without telling someone and in return you promise not to hurt anyone else.”  
Loki chuckled.  
“But I am already doing what I please, so I do not see any benefit for me.”  
“Up to now I haven’t told anyone what you did to me. You shouldn’t forget that you’re stripped of your powers and as long as I’m not around, you’re nothing more than a human and easy to overwhelm, so if I tell the police –“

He was cut off when Loki snarled at his words and then he was pinned to the wall, Loki’s hand tight around his throat and his eyes flashing in fury.  
“Watch your tongue, before I cut it out! I will not let you compare my person to your weak race.”

“Sorry, but I’m afraid you will have to deal with that weak race for a longer time, because I’m the only being in this world that can see you.”  
Loki’s fingers tightened even more, effectively cutting off Tom’s air supply, but he still had to acknowledge that Tom was right. This human was the only company he could seek even if it was just to inflict pain on him. He let go of Tom and watched him with growing confusion.

“Tell me, Thomas, why would you allow me to do this to you?”

“Because like I said I don’t want you to hurt someone else and that includes yourself.”

Tom couldn’t know about Loki’s self-inflicted harm, but he still felt the cuts at his wrists burning as if to undermine Tom’s statement. It made him feel ashamed and angry at the same time, because he realized he wanted to do it again, he needed someone to lash out. Since he couldn’t touch anyone save from Tom, there were only two options left – it was either hurting Tom or himself - and Tom had just told him that he was ready to make this decision for both of them. Somehow Loki felt vulnerable and exposed and he wondered why he didn’t mind that much. When he spoke, his voice was filled with insecurity.

“Why would you prefer your pain over mine?”  
Tom leaned even closer to him, their faces just inches apart and he brought up his hand to Loki’s cheek with sadness in his eyes.  
“Because you’ve been through enough. You deserve happiness after all this time.”

Loki leaned into the touch and wondered why he felt so sad as well.  
“You do not know what you are saying, Thomas.”

“Yes, I do. If it makes you happy to hurt me, then please do it.”  
For once in his life Loki was at loss of words, because how could he respond to that? He just stared at Tom who continued.

“I’m not saying that I’m not afraid, I’m sure you know that already. But I want you to know that I understand and that I won’t hold it against you.”

For a long time they kept staring at each other in silence until Loki had processed that Tom meant every word he had said.  
“Thank you, Thomas.”

And why did it feel like he had just woven an important thread of the fate the Norns had chosen for them?

 

~0~

 

_Asgard_

 

 

Deep lines of worry had appeared on the Allfather’s face as he had watched what his raven Munin had shown him: Images of Loki torturing a human that looked so much like the trickster himself. Odin was torn between interfering to save the mortal and letting Loki continue, because it was just another version of him that he was torturing and since this was the only creature Loki could touch at all though Odin’s spell should have prevented that, there needed to be a good reason for it and even he didn’t want to interfere with their destiny. He had learnt multiple times that the Norns didn’t take kindly to it and he had always regretted angering them, because they would either find another way to get what they wanted or come back at him.   
He continued stroking Munin while he turned to the raven’s brother.

“What do you suggest, Hugin? I cannot allow Loki to continue his actions, but considering that this human somehow managed to evade my spell, it seems like all of this is meant to be.”  
Hugin who was sitting on the other armrest of the throne hopped closer and lowered his head to Odin’s free hand. When they touched and Odin could see his thoughts, he wasn’t surprised of Hugin’s suggestion. It only affirmed what he was already planning.  
“You are right, of course. This madness has to stop. Find my son and tell him to meet me at the Bifröst, he needs to see with his own eyes how far Loki has fallen.”

Hugin and Munin did as told and flew away while Odin rose from the throne and walked down the steps. The two guards followed him as he made his way through the hall, but he halted when he noticed his wife Frigga coming up to him with concern in her eyes.  
“Odin, what do you intend to do?”  
He didn’t meet her eyes.  
“Whatever is necessary.”  
She gasped and shook her head in denial.  
“No, you cannot throw him in the dungeons to rot there. I thought we agreed that he can still be saved.”

“Yes, I thought that too, but I cannot ignore what is happening right before my eyes. He is even worse than before and you know that I am only trying to do the right thing.”  
Frigga smiled, but there was no joy in it and it turned out mockingly.  
“Oh yes, dearest husband, that is what you always try to do and look how well that turned out. The way you raised your two sons made one of them so arrogant it took banishment and a mortal woman to teach him modesty and wisdom and the other one so desperate for approval that he tried to kill an entire race and destroy both Jotunheim and Midgard. Really, Odin, I have to congratulate you for always trying to do the right thing and failing horribly. Thanks to you I lost both my sons and if it had not been for Jane Foster, I would have never got Thor back. And now you want to shut the door for the one who has been missing for so long?”  
Odin sighed, but he couldn’t really be angry. Never with Frigga, because she was always right and he had long ago acknowledged that she was far wiser than he would ever be. But he also knew that she was blinded by her love.  
“You speak true words, dear wife, but your kind heart still does not see that doing the right thing sometimes results in loss and tragedy. That does not make it any less vital.”  
There were tears in her eyes and he patted her shoulder lightly.

“Come with me, my queen. See for yourself that I have no choice here.”

She nodded stiffly and side by side they walked to the dome at the end of the bridge where Heimdall was already waiting for them. The keeper’s mouth was a thin line, he was obviously disapproving of Odin’s decision as well.  
“My king, I do not like to see you travel to a realm where my eyes cannot watch you. I have to admit that I tried to search for Loki during the past years but it was to no avail of course. I know I defied your order by trying, but I assure you I only wanted to look out for him.”  
The smile Odin gave him was almost warm.  
“I do not blame you for seeking to find Loki though you should not have hoped to do so since your abilities are limited to the branches of Yggdrasil and the universe to which I banished Loki is far beyond. However, do not think me so foolish not to tell where lies are hidden in your truths. I know that it was my son Thor that urged you to search for Loki and protect him. I have always known he would not give up on his brother.”  
Heimdall bowed slightly at Odin’s words, because they were right and he was in no position to enlarge upon the issue.

He stepped back just as Thor landed at his father’s side, the deep frown on his face making it apparent that he had overheard the conversation.

“Father, before we travel to this other Midgard, I have to ask you something.”  
Odin waited patiently not missing the note of condemnation in Thor’s eyes.

“Did you track Loki’s actions? Did you watch him in case something happened?” Then Thor’s voice turned unusually soft. “Did he ever try to reach out to me?”  
Odin avoided looking at the blond.

“You have asked me these questions before and I never gave you an answer. Why would I do so now?”  
Thor’s hands clenched to fists and there was a distant rumble in the skies.  
“I only accepted not getting answers from you, because I trusted on your faith in him. I was convinced that you believed his punishment would make him see reason and bring him back to us in the end. But I have obviously overestimated the kindness of your heart. You never really believed that he could be saved, did you? But why did you choose this form of punishment when you did not think him redeemable?”

Odin’s eyes darted from Frigga back to Thor.

“I chose it, because the two of you still believed in him. Though I myself saw no hope for him, I could not let you down, so I banished him stripped of his powers and all alone, because it was the only way that I could even see the smallest glimmer of hope that he might come to his senses and turn his back to the dark path he has taken. But as I see now, I have sadly been right all along. He is too far gone to come back to us and I cannot allow another person to suffer at his hands.”

There was even more rage and hate in Thor’s eyes, but the god of thunder also knew that Odin was right and though conflicted he didn’t say another word.  
Odin turned back to Heimdall.  
“We will not be gone for long, but until then Asgard is yours to rule.”  
“No, my King, it is mine to _guard_. Just like it always was.”  
Odin nodded in approval and when Heimdall had bowed and stepped back, he thrust Gungnir into the slit murmuring the spell he had performed years ago.  
The Bifröst opened immediately and Heimdall watched the Royal Family vanishing from his sight.

 

~0~

 

_Midgard_

 

“What are we doing here?” Loki asked with a frown on his face as he took in the houses to the left and the right and all the humans that were entering and leaving them. Tom cringed when he noticed that people were walking through the trickster as if he was air though Loki didn’t seem to mind anymore.  
“You need some more clothes.”  
“If you had just told me, I would have got some.” Loki answered simply.  
“I don’t want you to steal clothes. I want you to have your own.”

Loki wondered what difference it made whether he just stole them or let Tom buy him some, but it seemed to be important to Tom, so he just let him be.  
“If you insist. But we should get going. People are already staring at you, because you stand in the middle of the road and talk with yourself.”  
Tom noticed that he was right, but he just shrugged nonchalantly.  
“I don’t care.”

Nevertheless he headed for the first store and Loki followed him, feeling even more out of place here than usual. In Asgard every piece of clothing had been specially designed for him and the tailors had come to him contrary to this. He was surprised at the mass of products when he entered the store and was glad that Tom seemed to know exactly where to go. Within the next minutes Tom was picking out things and throwing them over his arm whenever Loki nodded his consent or put them back if the god didn’t like it. Loki found Midgardian clothing strange and simplistic - not to mention all the materials that felt so uncomfortable compared to the soft fabrics of Asgard - but he had to admit that he liked Tom’s taste and most of the pieces he picked. The only two times Loki had ever picked his Midgardian clothing himself, had been the day he had told Thor that their father was dead and once again when he had started his plan to conquer Midgard by allowing that group of mighty mortals to capture him. He had just adjusted his clothes to whatever the men around him were wearing. Though giving it his own spin of course – and Barton had told him it was called a suit and reserved to special events, so Loki was still a bit inexperienced how mortals dressed usually. Not to mention that most of the things he saw made him cringe when he imagined wearing it. Meanwhile the actor settled for skinny pairs of black or dark blue jeans, white or black button-down and t-shirts and he occasionally chose something dark green or blue. Most of the things he picked suited Loki well and they ended up buying much more than they had anticipated though Tom seemed very happy about that. Loki didn’t understand why spending that amount of money delighted the mortal so much, but he quietly added it to the growing list of Tom’s strange character traits.  
Several hours later they were back at Tom’s house with so many plastic bags that they had trouble carrying them. Tom took the stairs upwards, but instead of entering his bedroom, he turned to the door at the left, one that Loki had never seen him using.  
“Come here, Loki, you need to see your guest room. I prepared it for you this morning.”  
“You did that while I was asleep in your bed?” Loki asked disbelievingly and wondered at what ungodly hour Tom must have got up to do that.  
“You woke up at eleven and I had not that much to do for four hours.”

Shaking his head Loki followed him into the room he would be occupying for an undefined time.

It was a lovely room with a little bathroom beside it and though it was a bit smaller than Tom’s own room, Loki had to admit that he liked it. Not only because it was the first time in years that he had something that would belong only to him for a while, but also because it reminded him of his old room in Asgard. It was located at the North side of the house, so he wouldn’t have to worry about the rising sun threatening to disturb his sleep. The furniture was made of ebony wood opposed to the oak wood in the other rooms and one wall was hidden by a huge book shelf just like in Tom’s room. Loki was already looking forward to flip through those books, because he had quickly discovered that Midgard’s poetry was one of the few things he preferred over Asgard’s where most books were telling old war stories that got dull after you heard it for the tenth time. Loki walked to the bed and let his fingers slide over the material.  
“I think this will suffice.”  
Tom nodded with a relieved smile.  
“I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”  
Then he left Loki alone in the room, closing the door behind himself. The trickster immediately walked to the book shelf and let his fingers run over the backs of the books before choosing one that was especially worn. He was curious what kind of writing Tom liked and he had obviously read this one many times. After making himself comfortable on the bed, he flipped it open and a few minutes later, he was immersed in William Shakespeare’s _Hamlet_.   
It was already night and he was almost finished with it when a strange feeling made him come back to reality. There was a soft rumble in the sky and a pillar of multicolored light appeared in front of the window. Despite the years he had last seen it, Loki recognized it immediately and he dropped the book, trying to fight the instinct to flee, because he knew it would be pointless anyway. He raced down the stairs, his mind already throwing a ton of questions at him, but when he yanked the door open, his mind blanked.   
There they were: Odin, Frigga and Thor. Their heads turned towards him and he could see different emotions in their faces: Frigga was tearing up at his sight, a sob escaping her lips. There was a longing in Thor’s eyes as if he wanted to throw his arms around Loki and never let him go. But it was the cold and wary stare of the Allfather that held Loki’s gaze, because it only confirmed what he had feared the moment he had seen the rainbow bridge. Odin was not here to take him back to Asgard. And that could only mean…

“We meet again sooner than I have expected, Loki Laufeyson.”  
Frigga and Thor jumped at the last word, but Loki didn’t mind. It only meant that Odin was now thinking of him as his son as much as Loki was thinking of him as his father. Which meant not at all. Not anymore. Pushing the thoughts away, Loki tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.  
“What brings you here, Allfather? This place is quite far away for someone who is obligated to watch over the nine realms of Yggdrasil.”  
“I am here to adjust the punishment I passed on you 31 years ago. I have been informed of a new turn of events.”  
At this moment Hugin and Munin who Loki hadn’t even noticed up to now, landed on Odin’s shoulders, their black beady eyes looking at Loki accusingly. So they had told Odin _everything_. He should have known that the Allfather would have never just left him alone in a realm where there was no one to stop him from wreaking havoc even if he was limited to destroying things rather than living creatures. Or at least _should_ be. The Allfather stepped closer and Loki fought the urge to take one back. If he was going down, he would do so proudly.

“Loki, you managed to evade my curse and interact with a human. As both Hugin and Munin witnessed you have tortured him more than once without any given reason. That leads me to the assumption that our hope that you might return to us one day was all in vain. What do you have to say for yourself?”  
Loki knew that no matter what he said, the Allfather had already made up his mind. So why should he bother to make him understand?  
“It is true what you said. I tortured that mortal, I enjoyed it and I will do it again.”  
Odin’s face turned even grimmer than before while Frigga gasped in shock.

“Loki, please tell me this is a lie.”  
Loki laughed out loud and the sound was so cold that he was surprised it belonged to him. Thor came to him and gripped his arm.  
“Stop it, Loki, and think! You are making this even worse.”  
“Dear brother mine, I am telling the truth for once and now you want me to lie again? You should clear your priorities.”  
Thor was about to snap back, but Odin interrupted them.  
“Silence!”

They obeyed and Thor reluctantly stepped away, allowing the Allfather to face Loki again. For the first time since the Asgardians had appeared here, there was anger visible in Odin’s face along with disappointment.

“I will not allow this crime to go on for any longer. You have shown no regret for doing this, so I will show none either.”  
He raised his spear Gungnir as if it was a sword and Loki could see the magic pulsing through it by the golden glow which it emitted and he instinctively tried to summon his own seiðr to defend himself, but just like it had been during his 31 years of loneliness, he found none within me. So he closed his eyes in defeat instead and the last thing he saw was Odin bringing Gungnir down. Loki heard skin ripping and flesh being cleaved asunder, but there was no pain and he wondered why Odin would show mercy and make this easier for him. But then he realized that even though he recognized the barely stifled scream as his own voice, it was not _him_. His eyes opened wide and he could still see Odin in front of him, but between himself and Gungnir was still a distance of three inches. The moment he saw the blood running down the spear and heard Frigga’s and Thor’s shocked gasps, Loki turned around to see Tom standing behind him. His hand had obviously caught Gungnir before Odin had been able to finish the spell. Loki turned and caught Tom as his legs gave out under him and the human was leaning against him for support. Loki could feel the seiðr from their touch, urging him to heal Tom before he lost even more blood, but Odin could not know of this, Tom was far too interesting already. So Loki just held him and felt guilt rising inside of him, because once again Tom had suffered because of him though Loki couldn’t explain why he felt this way when he enjoyed torturing him so much. Tom was getting weaker and Loki had to wrap his arms tightly around his body to keep him from falling to the ground. 

Then Frigga was next to him touching Tom’s forehead carefully to heal the deep wound at his hand. Loki turned his head to the Allfather who was staring at Tom as if he was a riddle he couldn’t figure out.  
“How could you dare to interfere?”  
But the shock took the edge off his words though Tom didn’t seem to have heard them anyway. Loki felt a hand at the small of his back and his gaze met Thor’s whose other hand took a hold of Tom’s arm and his voice was too soft to belong to the mighty god of thunder.  
“Mortal, why did you do this? The magic could have killed you.”

“I know.”

“Then why did you do this?”

Tom straightened in Loki’s arms to meet Thor’s eyes.

“Because he doesn’t deserve to die.”  
Then his eyes shut and he lost consciousness. Loki caught him again and lifted him bridal style to bring him back into the house. Frigga and Thor followed right behind him while Odin seemed hesitant and kept a distance. Loki lowered Tom carefully onto the couch and observed his hand, but thanks to Frigga’s healing spell, the wound was already gone.  
“Mother, why is he not waking up?”

She squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. “There is no need to worry, my dear. Though the cut is healed, there is still the seiðr of the spell in his system. I am surprised that it has not killed him the instant it entered his body, but it seems he is a fighter.”  
Loki felt his lips twitch up into a little smile and he looked back to the human.  
“That he is indeed.”  
He watched Thor kneel beside him and it took him a lot of effort to stay calm when his brother touched Tom’s chin gingerly.  
  
“It is amazing how much he resembles you.” Loki didn’t trust his tongue enough for an answer and when Thor met his gaze and noticed his expression, he immediately let go of Tom. “I mean him no harm, brother.”

Loki sighed, annoyed with his strange possessiveness.

“I know, Thor. I am sorry for behaving like this.”

He didn’t like the way Thor looked at him, but before he could comment on it, Odin had entered the living room, his gaze fixed at Tom in bewilderment.  
“How is he able to see you?”

“That is what I would like to know from you. It is your curse after all.”

There was a tense silence in the room until Tom stirred a few minutes later. His eyes fluttered open and he sat up slowly.  
“So I’m still alive.”

Thor who was still kneeling next to him raised his hand and gripped Tom’s shoulder in a warrior’s greeting.

“Mortal, I admire your courage to save my brother. If you were one of Asgard’s warriors, I would be proud to have you at my side.”

Unsure how to respond to that, Tom simply smiled and mirrored the position.  
“Thank you, Thor. This means a lot to me coming from you.”

Loki was hardly aware of the couch’s fabric giving way to the pressure of his fingers, but Tom noticed it and leaned back, his hands dropping into his lap and his eyes meeting Loki’s questioningly. But Odin interrupted their silent conversation.  
“You seem to have a good heart, mortal, but I am afraid your actions have been to no avail. My judgment is final.”  
Loki’s stomach dropped though he should have known that nothing would make Odin’s opinion waver. Thor and Frigga had shifted closer to him, but even though they still seemed to love him, Loki knew that in the end they would always be on the Allfather’s side. He was alone in this just like he had always been.

“No.”  
  
Loki startled at the firm tone of Tom’s voice. His double had narrowed his eyes and his body was on alert, indicating that he was ready to jump between Loki and Odin again if it was necessary. It was the first time that Loki saw an expression in his face that could easily appear on his own; challenging and cold.  
Odin turned to him in confusion.  
“No?”  
  
“You will not harm him. Not without going through me first.”

Loki could see a proud smile forming on Frigga’s lips, but she stayed quiet, her eyes darting back to her husband.

“What leads you to the assumption that this might stop me?”

Loki knew Odin didn’t actually consider this and was simply testing the limits of Tom’s courage, but he couldn’t help the warning hiss escaping his lips. Everyone’s eyes were on him, but he didn’t care. Tom had just saved his life and if he was willing to stand up for it again, then Loki would do the same. He almost jumped when he could feel warm fingers caressing his own and when he turned to the side, Tom’s face was suddenly right in front of his, a deep blue ocean all he could see.

“It’s okay, Loki. This is my decision.”

The god shook his head disapprovingly.  
“But why would you do this after everything I have done to you?”

Tom’s free hand came over their laced fingers as if to protect them.

“I told you. I never want you to feel alone again.”

Then his eyes left Loki’s and the trickster felt like a ban was lifted from him and he had been set free. He noticed that even though Tom was now facing Odin again, their hands were still entwined. The Allfather seemed to have noticed it too, because his eyes lingered there before he spoke to Tom.  
“It was you who suffered at his hands, so I will consent your wish on the condition that he leaves this house and stays away from you for the rest of your life, mortal. You had to endure things no human should ever have to and deserve to be left in peace.”

Loki felt many different emotions crashing down on him, from bafflement that Odin would spare him to gratitude for Tom. But also a sense of loss, because now he would be alone again though he knew he didn’t deserve better. Odin brought his hand up to Tom’s temple.  
“Allow me to cleanse your memory of these past days.”

But Tom gently detracted himself from Odin’s touch.

“No, I want to keep them.”  
Loki stared at the human and wondered with what reason Tom would want to remember all of this mess. Odin seemed to think the same, because it took him a moment to answer.  
“It was not a suggestion.”

He touched Tom again and the mortal’s eyes flashed to Loki in panic, his hands gripping Loki’s tighter as if he was his lifeline. Then Tom jumped at the seiðr entering him and suddenly his body went limb, falling back onto the couch. Loki felt a lump forming in his throat and he barely heard Odin’s words.  
“Thor will stay at this Midgard for a while to keep an eye on you. If you ever touch the mortal again, nothing – not even he – will change my decision. Am I clear?”

Loki simply nodded and stared at Tom’s sleeping form while Odin left the house, Frigga following behind him after she had given each of her sons a peck on the forehead. The roaring of a portal opening between the universes and a flash of light was the last thing they heard before the room fell silent. Thor stood awkwardly in the middle, obviously feeling out of place while Loki couldn’t bring his eyes to leave Tom. He could barely hear his own voice.  
“I should leave now, right?”

He could feel a wave of sympathy coming from Thor.  
“If you would like to, you could stay the night.”  
  
“Yes, I would like that.”  
He rose from the couch to lift Tom into his arms again and took the stairs up to the bedroom.   
  
“Just make sure to disappear before he wakes and sees you,” Thor called after him worriedly.  
  
Loki entered the one room in this house that he was most familiar with - Tom's bedroom - and set the human down onto the bed. For a moment he considered undressing him so that he was more comfortable, but he dismissed the thought when he remembered that he had actually lost the right to even touch Tom despite never really having it anyway. He carefully stretched out onto the empty side of the bed and tried to memorize every little detail of Tom, from the tiny freckles on his nose to the stubborn curls of his dyed hair. It was a good thing that the actor was asleep, because Loki was sure if he ever had to face those greyish blue eyes again, he would not be able to leave. To calm his mind Loki concentrated on Tom's breathing, the tiny little puffs of air he emitted.

The god didn't move for several hours and when he watched the room slowly brightening, it finally began to sink in that this would be the last time he saw Tom, the only being in this godforsaken realm that could interact with him. Though he knew it was coming ridiculously late, he wished he had made better use of their time. He knew nothing about this alternate version of him, none of his wishes, none of his fears. The only thing he knew was the sound of his agonized screams and though Loki couldn't deny that he had enjoyed himself during those moments, he also had to admit that it had just been a distraction. Instead of hurting himself, he had abused his limited regained powers to hurt Tom and now he was back to square one. Only with the knowledge that there was somebody out there who could hear him and cared about him, but of whom he had to stay away, because once again he, Loki Laufeyson, had messed up gloriously. He should have expected that.

He swallowed hard when Tom began to stir in his sleep and before he could stop himself, he leaned forward and placed a soft farewell kiss on Tom's forehead. When Tom finally regained consciousness and opened his eyes a few moments later, he was alone in the room.


	7. Chapter 7

_Four months later_

 

“Stop being so gentle, I’m not made of glass. You can squeeze harder, it’s fine,” Robert told him with a wink and Tom had to grin at his choice of words.  
“Okay, sorry. Joss, can we do that scene again?”

Their director gave them his thumbs up and when they came to the point again where Loki was lifting Tony Stark by his throat, Tom tightened his grip and his calmness cracked at the next words.  
“You _will_ kneel before me.”  
Then he threw Robert away more forcefully than necessary and the older actor crashed into the breakaway glass which had been intended to be part of the next take. Robert balanced while holding on to the strings that held him above the ground.  
“Whoa, easy, I didn’t mean it that seriously. There’s still that machine that should have pulled me back, you didn’t have to do it yourself, you know.”  
It was intended as a joke, but Tom didn’t respond, his eyes wide as he realized that his mind had just been close to blending fully into that of his character. Robert’s grin dropped at his expression and he patted Tom’s shoulder comfortingly.  
“Hey, don’t look like a frightened cat. I’m okay, it was just breakaway glass. Though I have to say that I didn’t expect you to be able to throw me that wide, that was more than three yards. What did you have for breakfast, kid?”

Tom tried to relax, but he failed horribly. He could feel his heartbeat racing and he wondered why he was that anxious, it wasn’t the first time that he had got lost in a character’s emotions, it had happened on a regular basis during shooting of _Thor_. He was glad when Robert gripped him at his arms, effectively distracting him from whatever was going on inside of his head.  
“Tom, what’s wrong?”  
Tom shook his head and when he looked up, he could see his own reflection in the glass behind Robert. As well as a shadow behind him. Tom whipped around and came face to face with Chris in his Thor attire whose eyes widened as if he had been caught doing something forbidden.  
“Please don’t do that again, Chris, you scared the hell out of me.”  
Chris blinked as if he didn’t understand, but then his shoulders relaxed and he nodded with wariness in his eyes.  
“I am sorry, Thomas. I was just worried about you.”  
Now it was Tom’s turn to be confused at the way Chris spoke.  
Robert threw his arms up in a dramatic sigh.  
“Jesus, not you too. It’s disturbing enough when the nicest guy in the universe gets the sudden urge to kill me. One character bleed at a time, guys.”  
But Chris didn’t even seem to listen to him, his gaze fixed on Tom in a way that made the Brit uncomfortable. Robert obviously noticed it too, because he ushered the crew including Joss away and left them alone without another word. He had long ago got used to Chris’ and Tom’s close relationship and it was apparent that there was something they needed to talk about.  
As soon as they were alone, Chris spoke with his Thor voice again.  
“You looked like Loki for a moment.”  
“Thank you Chris, but that’s my job.”  
Chris’ intense glare didn’t soften.  
“I did not mean it like that. But I am glad I was mistaken. It is for the best if I go now.”  
He turned around and walked away leaving a baffled Tom behind. He was used to losing himself in the depths of Loki’s mind – he had been depressed for a few weeks after they filmed Loki’s fall from the Bifrost – but whenever Chris was too emerged into Thor’s mind, he usually displayed it more subtly like being even more affectionate with Tom than usual. And definitely not like this. He was still standing at the same spot when Joss walked up to him several minutes later with concern in his eyes.  
“Hey, Tommy, you know I wanted to do some more shots with you and Robert, but I think you need a break. Maybe a bit of sleep would do you and Chris some good.”  
“That sounds like a good idea actually. I’m sorry for messing up your schedule.”  
“No, it’s okay, we all have our bad days and you deserve a little break. Take the rest of the day off.”  
He smiled at Tom reassuringly before leaving to search for Chris.  
Still, Tom felt like a complete failure when he left the set. He was a professional, goddammit; he got paid for doing his job properly. He had never been given a day off by his director just because he couldn’t put his shit together. Just when he reached his trailer, he felt a sharp pain in his head and while he massaged his temple with his one hand, he yanked the door open with the other. His vision began to blur and just when he heard Chris yelling his name from a distance, he collapsed at his threshold.

 

~0~

 

The brown leafs under his feet rustled with every step that Loki took during his walk through the park in London. The only other person, a woman that was sitting on a bench nearby looked up from her electronic device at the sound and scanned the area with her eyes narrowed and Loki, who sensed a welcome opportunity to cause some mischief, walked towards her, deliberately not trying to muffle his steps. Her eyes darted around when she noticed the sound becoming louder and Loki leaned down to blow into her ear. She shrieked and got up, running away like her life depended on it. Loki chuckled though his amusement was short-lived. The sky had clouded above him in an unnatural way and just when he started to wonder what had got Thor in such a bad mood, said god landed next to him with more force than usual. Loki raised his eyebrows at the bewilderment in his brother’s face.

“You look utterly disturbed, Thor.”  
“I just met Thomas.”  
Loki flinched at the mention of the one person he was trying so hard not to think about and he was glad that at least his silver tongue didn’t lose its sarcastic tone.  
“If I am not mistaken, you already met him before and since you are assigned to guard him from my devilish plans, I am sure you are on his tail every day.”  
“He saw me.”  
Loki stared up at him in disbelief.  
“What?! But you promised you would stay out of sight.”  
“Yes, I did, but when I came to him today, there was something different about him and with that aura of power around him… I thought he was you.”  
It was silent as Loki tried to understand what the thunder god was saying.  
“That is ridiculous. You know very well that I am invisible to humans.”  
“I know it was stupid and I should have taken a moment to think rationally about it, but he was attempting to kill the lookalike of Stark – or at least it seemed like it – and I acted on instinct.”  
Loki closed his eyes and tried to calm down.  
“Perfect. That is just great.”  
“He did not recognize me though. He mistook me for his friend Hemsworth, but since I do not know him, I am afraid I may have raised Thomas’ suspicion.”

Loki knew what Thor was trying to tell him: They needed to figure out whether Tom would shrug it off or try to get into the matter. Because if he did the latter, there might be the chance that he would crush the wall inside his mind that kept his memories at bay.  
“Thor, I cannot see him again. Not because of Odin, but because of myself. I am afraid what might happen when we meet again.”  
There was understanding in Thor’s eyes, but also worry that was clearly not aimed towards Loki.  
“And what do you think might happen?”  
“I do not know. I could hurt either him or myself.”  
There was a long silence before Thor responded.  
“You are afraid of having to let him go again.”

Loki’s head snapped up to meet Thor’s eyes.  
“I have no attachment towards this insignificant mortal. He might look like me, but that does not make him any less dispensable.”  
Thor raised his hands conciliatorily.  
“There is no need to insult him, brother. Indeed, he is not that much like you, he is beautiful in his own way.”  
Loki wasn’t even aware that he had fisted his hands until his fingernails pierced through the skin and drew blood. A glint appeared in Thor’s eyes along with a smug look of triumph that made Loki feel as if he had just lost a battle.  
“Touchy subject?”

Loki didn’t answer, but it seemed to be enough for Thor whose mood brightened instantly though the trickster didn’t exactly know why. He was glad that Thor didn’t enlarge upon it.

“I cannot walk among those humans without getting noticed and they will start to ask questions when they notice that I am not Hemsworth. But you are invisible to them, so it has to be you who figures out whether Thomas’ walls hold or not.”  
Loki nodded.  
“Alright. Just make sure that Odin does not find out about this.”  
“Do not worry, Hugin and Munin are not in this realm. Father trusts me enough to watch you alone.”  
Loki sighed in relief.  
“Since I do not have my magic to teleport to New York, I am afraid you will have to fly me there.”  
Thor smiled and pulled Loki towards him, their fronts pressing together as his grip tightened and he raised Mjolnir.  
“This reminds me of old times.”  
Loki pushed halfheartedly against his brother’s chest though he enjoyed not feeling like a ghost for once.  
“Be quiet and just take me to Thomas before I change my mind.”  
Thor wisely kept his mouth shut and lifted them off the ground.

 

~0~

 

 _The rain of water droplets calmed his tense muscles instantly and made Tom stay in the shower much longer than he had intended. The premiere of ‘Thor’ had been a success and everyone involved – most notably Marvel Studios’ head Kevin Feige - had been so relieved, especially since the whole concept of extraterrestrial life was both new for casual viewers not familiar with the comics as well as a vital part of the future storylines of most Marvel movies to come. They all were glad of the audience’ positive reaction, above all Tom who had been totally taken aback by most of those fans asking for his autograph right next to Chris’. It exceeded all of his wildest dreams._  
Several minutes later Tom finally dried himself off and rubbed a towel through his wet hair that he still dyed black even though filming of ‘Thor’ had finished months ago. He had suspected people wouldn’t recognize him as Loki with his natural mop of unruly blond curls that could barely be tamed. He had hated the mornings on set where he had been forced to spend quite some time managing to smooth it straight. Luckily for him Joss had promised to let him use a wig for ‘The Avengers’.  
Smirking at the memory he slipped into his pajamas and left the bathroom to get the comb on his nightstand. Then everything happened too fast: He was vaguely aware of a shadow next to him and in the next moment he was pinned to the wall behind him, making him groan in pain. When Tom's head stopped spinning from the hard contact with the solid surface behind him, he tried to focus on his attacker. He inhaled sharply despite the fact that he couldn’t make out the man’s face which was a blurry spot, no features recognizable though Tom had the disturbing feeling that he knew the man. He concentrated again, but the harder he tried, the hazier that face became and he suddenly noticed that the scene had stopped playing and was completely frozen as if there was a scratch on a DVD. And then everything went black.

 

Gasping, Tom awoke in the bed of his trailer and he was disorientated for a second, because how had he gotten from his hotel room in Sydney to his trailer on set? Then the mattress dipped next to him and Chris’ face was above his own.  
“God, you’re finally awake. Are you okay?”  
Tom swallowed as he felt the last pulsing of a fading headache and he realized he had been dreaming or at least mixing a memory with a dream since he hadn’t been attacked back then. Right?

Then he remembered falling just when he had been about to enter the trailer.

“What happened?”  
Chris frowned.  
“I don’t know. Joss sent me home, babbling something about you and me having a phase of character bleed, so I wanted to ask you what he meant and then I saw you at the door. You were stumbling and then you just collapsed.”  
“How long was I out?”  
“About five hours. I panicked and called a doctor, but he told me your body is fine, so it’s probably just the stress. He told Joss to give you another day off and you should try to get some sleep.”

Tom nodded though he couldn’t remember feeling stressed at all. When he tried to sit up, he noticed the sad expression in Chris’ eyes.  
“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I didn’t tell him about the incident back in Sydney because I promised you I wouldn’t. But I can’t help suspecting it has something to do with your collapse today. So is there something you would like to tell me?”  
His voice was soft, but there was an edge to it that confused Tom almost as much as what he had said.  
“Chris, what are you talking about? What incident?”  
“The hospital.”  
Tom waited for him to continue and say something that would actually make some sense, but he didn’t. When Tom just stared dumbfounded at his best friend, his voice grew impatient.  
“You know, when you tried to kill yourself.”  
The words hung heavy in the air and there was a moment of utter silence while Tom waited for the joke. Until he realized there would come none.

“What?”

“Don’t pretend this never happened. I told you, you can talk to me whenever you feel like it is too much.”  
Somehow his words sounded familiar to Tom, but he couldn’t recall anything about a hospital and a suicide attempt and he was sure that was something he wouldn’t forget that easily.  
“Hold on, Chris. So you’re telling me that I tried to commit suicide?”  
Chris’ eyes widened when he noticed that Tom was totally serious.

“You really don’t remember?”  
Tom shook his head, wondering if he had gone insane.  
“This doesn’t make any sense, why would I do that? And how?”  
“All I know is that you severely hurt your throat. I was terrified when I found you on the floor.“

Absentmindedly his hand came up to Tom’s neck and he touched the skin where he remembered the torn skin, but as soon as his fingers brushed over it, Tom felt a piercing pain.

 _Long pale fingers were reaching for him and closed around his throat. There was a sudden pain when their grip tightened and made it impossible for Tom to breathe._  
The last bit of air he had left in his lungs was leaving them when he screamed, but the sound was muffled, because all he could hear was his own heartbeat speeding up. Just moments later his voice died down because there was too much liquid in his mouth.  
He was aware of the taste of iron on his tongue and his eyes finally fell shut to the image of a face that was too blurry to recognize the person. Just when the scene was fading into black, two green orbs lit up through the fog…  
He pushed Chris’ hand away and stared at him with wide eyes.  
“What was that?”  
Chris stilled and took in Tom’s harsh breathing.

“What is it, Tom?”

“I don’t know. I think it was a memory, but it doesn’t exactly fit your story.”

“What’s different about it?”  
Tom tried to calm down, hoping that Chris could shed some light on this.  
“I didn’t try to kill myself. Someone attacked me.”  
Chris froze in shock.

“You never told me this. Why?”

Why indeed. Tom couldn’t think of any reason why he would rather let Chris believe that he was suicidal instead of telling him the truth.  
“I have no idea. I don’t even remember a face. Just…”

Just those eyes, a shade of green he couldn’t name. It reminded him of the leafs of forest trees with the drops of dew in the early morning, just before the sun was about to rise. It was beautiful.  
“Tom, are you still with me?”  
Tom blinked when he came back to reality. Had he just labeled the eyes of someone who had tried to kill him beautiful? There was definitely something very wrong with him.

“Chris, would you mind leaving me alone for a few hours? A bit more sleep would feel wonderful.”

“Of course,” Chris replied and with a last worried glance to his friend, he left the trailer.

But Tom couldn’t even think of sleep right now. How could he have forgotten about being attacked? And as if the memory loss wasn’t enough already, he had suffered from a scary moment of character bleed – though that expression didn’t seem quite fitting – as well as a sudden collapse. What was happening to him? With a frustrated sigh he curled up on the bed and tried hard not give in to a breakdown.

 

~0~

 

The familiar guilt rose in his chest and formed a lump in his throat when Loki stood before Tom’s trailer and heard the muffled sobs of the human. When he had arrived here, Tom had been unconscious and Loki had known that something was wrong. Now after he had overheard the entire conversation with Chris, he was sure that somehow the wall was crumbling though it should be impossible without a spell. Why was this human so extraordinary? The fast healing, his ability to interact with Loki, the little damage he had suffered when he had protected the powerless god from Gungnir and now this?

Despite how much Loki wanted to go inside and check on Tom, he knew he couldn’t. The mortal needed to remain in the dark; it was just for his own safety. So Loki turned around and walked to the trailer he had witnessed Chris disappear into.  
He entered it to find Chris sitting at the table, so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the door silently opening and closing again. Loki took slow, deliberate steps towards him, taking in all the similarities and the differences to Thor. Chris was not as tall as Thor and he was a little bit less built though Loki had to acknowledge it was still remarkable for a human. His short ash blond hair was no comparison to Thor’s almost waist long golden mane. But everything in his face was the same, from the edged form of his chin to the sparkling azure of his iris. Loki took in the inside of the trailer and his attention was caught by the fridge which was covered in photographs and tiny little notes from Chris'  
co-stars. Quite many of the pictures included Tom and Chris in familiar positions, their arms lazily thrown around each other's shoulder just like at the _Thor_ premiere in Sydney. Loki reached out with his hand and touched the image of Tom and he was aware of the jealousy rising inside of him. Though he didn't know if it was because it was so similar to what he had shared with Thor in happier times or because it was Chris rather than Loki who had managed to make Tom smile countless times. But Loki knew he couldn't change the way he was, because it was his personality that drove people away; his love for lies, mischief and chaos. He was not a company others enjoyed even though some – like Thor – had tried. And it seemed that this was another character trait he did not share with his doppelganger, because of what those pictures on the fridge told the trickster, Thor's double and his own were definitely getting along just fine.  
There was a knock on the door and Loki almost jumped at the unexpected noise. He watched as Chris opened it and stepped aside to let Steve Rogers – no, his other version whose name Loki didn't know – inside.  
“Evans,” Chris greeted him, but it came out like a sigh rather than the joke as it was intended.  
“Hemsworth,” the other mortal returned and the smile vanished. “How is he?”  
“He woke up a few minutes ago and he seems a bit...off.”  
The one called Evans frowned and bit his lip in worry.  
“Off? How?”  
“He doesn't remember some things. Things that I doubt anyone could ever forget. I'm sorry, Chris, I promised him back then not to tell anyone.”  
The other Chris – wasn't it annoying to know someone that shared your name, didn't that take away so much of your individuality? - accepted it with a nod and the two actors fell into silence. Loki used the opportunity to round that Chris Evans to make out any differences to the actual Steve Rogers, but he was surprised that Chris was an exact copy of the avenger.  
“Well, I’ll tell the others, they were all worried as well. Just let Tom rest for tonight and maybe he’ll be alright tomorrow.”  
Evans looked like he didn’t believe his own words himself, but Hemsworth accepted it with a helpless nod. When Evans opened the door and left, Loki gracefully slid out of the trailer with him or rather _through_ him.

While Loki walked over to Tom’s trailer, he recalled what he had just heard. So Tom didn’t remember yet, but the wall had cracks and Hemsworth telling him of what really transpired in Sydney surely was of no help here. Loki wondered how Odin could have been so negligent and not check whether he would need to alter the memories of Tom’s friends too.  
Loki stopped in his strides when he noticed Thor leaning at a nearby tree and he thanked the Norns for the darkness of the night that hid the god from any unwelcome views.  
“You want to see him.”  
Thor’s voice was nonchalant and it was no question, so Loki didn’t answer it.  
“Brother, he is still awake. I’m convinced that-“  
Thor froze and that made Loki turn around to find out what in the nine realms was able to silence the god of thunder when he had his mind set upon something.  
It was Chris who had left his trailer and was walking into their direction. Loki’s eyes widened when he remembered that though he himself was invisible to anyone’s eye, the same didn’t apply to Thor. But the thunder god seemed to be too enthralled by his lookalike to consider this. He traced Chris’ every movement with a fascination that made his face look a bit childlike and Loki hoped for all his honor that he hadn’t looked as silly as Thor when he had first seen Tom. Grabbing Thor and clasping a hand over his mouth, Loki pulled his brother behind the tree and waited until he was sure Chris wasn’t there anymore. He carefully let go of Thor, but the blond still stared at the spot where he had seen Chris.

“It is amazing how much they look like us. I wonder if our souls are forged from the same thread as theirs.”

Loki rolled his eyes at Thor’s excitement.  
“Stop thinking, it doesn’t suit you.”  
Being used to Loki’s silver tongue for some centuries now, Thor didn’t defer to it. But his gaze settled on his younger brother instead.  
“Your mortal is devastated. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing here, but I still think you should talk to him.”  
Loki swallowed hard.  
“When he sees my face, he will remember everything.”  
“I know. But I prefer his memories rising to the surface over him being convinced that he has lost his mind.”  
Loki nodded and rose his hand to the door of Tom’s trailer when Thor continued.  
“But you will just stay long enough to convince him that all of his memories are real and then you will leave him alone. Hugin and Munin might not be here right now, but I can only lie to the Allfather for so long.”  
The brothers stared each other for a moment and there was a whole unspoken conversation going on between them, but neither said a word when Loki opened the door and entered Tom’s trailer.  
The actor was still buried in his sheets and hadn’t noticed his intruder yet and Loki was tempted to turn back hoping that Tom would never find out about what he did to him, but Thor was right, he needed to do this.  
Insecurely he disentangled himself from the shadows and stepped into the moonlight. He carefully lowered his hand until it touched the spot where he suspected Tom’s shoulder to be, and only then did the actor’s body tense up realizing that he was not alone.  
“Who are you?”  
“Look at me and you will know.”  
Tom sat up and very slowly turned his head towards the god.

 

~0~

 

He knew that voice.

“ _I enjoy seeing you like this.”_

Tom opened his eyes to the man in front of him and met his sparkling green eyes.

_...“I am Loki of Asgard, the one and only.”..._

Tom blinked as his head was flooded with images and memories that had been buried for too long. The god was staring cautiously at him, taking note of every expression.

“Thomas?”

The actor swallowed hard before reaching out and touching Loki's leather cloaked body with his fingertips to make sure this was real. It felt like Tom was awaking from a long slumber.

“I remember you. I remember everything.”

Loki's eyes widened and he sat down on the edge of the bed.  
“I am sorry. I wished I could take this away from you forever, but it looks like the Norns want you to remember.”

There was a long, heavy silence between them, then Tom's hand slipped from Loki's arm down to his hand and he squeezed it tightly.  
“I told Odin I didn't want to forget. Maybe the Norns wanted me to make this choice on my own.”

“Yes, maybe.” Loki looked down at their joined hands. “Why did you want to keep your memories anyway? I have experiencce torture myself and how I wish I could forget.”  
“Why didn't you erase them back then?”  
Loki sighed.  
“Then I would forget _him_ as well. Thanos. He promised to make me suffer if I failed, so I have to be on guard. As longs as he is alive, I cannot allow myself to forget.”  
Tom nodded and then he answered Loki's earlier question.  
“I wanted to keep everything, so I can one day remind myself how far you've come.”  
The god looked back up into Tom's eyes searching for any hidden agenda, but he was met with nothing but sincerity. He began to wonder if that human was even capable of lying. Tom smiled at his expression.  
“I told you I want to help you. That hasn't changed in the slightest.”

“Thomas, I cannot stay with you. Odin warned me to leave alone for the rest of your life. Thor only granted me this moment with you because you were clearly suffering.”

Tom felt a lump forming in his throat realizing that he would be given no chance to help the god.  
“So you're leaving me again?”

“Please, you need to understand. I have no choice.”  
Loki was sounding as desperate as Tom felt.  
“I know. I just want you to know that I will always be there if you need me, alright?”  
Instead of waiting for an answer Tom pulled him into an embrace.

Loki shivered at the close contact and he inhaled Tom's scent while his fingers slid up to gently grip the mortal's neck in an affectionate manor that he only allowed himself because this would be goodbye.

Loki was so tempted to just stay in this embrace and enjoy it a while longer, but it was getting increasingly harder to let the mortal go. He pulled back, only letting his hand stay at the back of Tom's neck and with one last sad smile, he channeled the magic he drew from Tom back, this time not needing any spoken words to perform his intended spell. All tension was leaviing Tom's body and his eyes fluttered shut, bright blue disappearing behind the closing lids, then his body relaxed against Loki's hand and Loki caught his body to lower him down onto the sheets. Getting up from the bed the god swiped a loose black curl back from Tom's forehead, then he turned away and left the trailer.  
He was almost becoming used to the ache in his heart.

Thor was eyeing his sympathetically.  
“I am sorry, brother.”  
“It is not your fault. I only have myself to blame.”

Another thing he was becoming used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it the point up to which I have the story written.  
> I have every intention of contiuning this, but I have so many other projects from various fandoms at hand, that I have no idea how soon I'will be able to update.  
> I apologize in advance for the possibly long wait. I already have the whole story planned out in my mind, I just need time and muse to write it.


	8. Chapter 8

 

For the next few weeks Tom was miserable and he wondered if somewhere in the world Loki felt the same. But he could do nothing to make the god come back to him, so he immersed himself even more in his work. His co-stars never commented on his increased passion while playing Loki, but one day he crossed the line.

  
There was only a transparent wall of a special glass between the Black Widow and Loki while they were speaking.  
“I’ve got red in my ledger. I’d like to wipe it out.”  
  
“Can you?” Tom asked almost softly. “Can you wipe out that much red? Drakov's daughter, Sao Paulo, the hospital fire? Barton told me everything.” Tom’s voice rose in volume, but dropped in tone indicating that he was getting into his infamous Loki mode. “Your ledger is dripping, it's gushing red and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything?! This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child's prayer –“  
In the blink of an eye something in Tom’s mind snapped and he was filled with so much anger and hatred for all those worthless humans.  
“PATHETIC! You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code, something that makes up for the horrors…but they are a part of you, and they will never go away.”  
Loki’s fist slammed hard against the glass and the woman jumped in genuine fear.  
“I won't touch Barton, not until I make him kill you. Slowly. Intimately. In every way he knows you fear. And then he'll wake just long enough to see his good work and when he screams, I'll split his skull! This is my bargain, you mewling quim!“  
  
The Black Widow looked up at him, but she wasn’t Natasha Romanoff anymore, she was Scarlett Johansson, her eyes wide and filled with tears while she almost forgot her line.  
“You’re a monster.”  
  
Loki chuckled because she was right, he was. Though not the one she should worry about right now.  
“No. You brought the monster.”  
  
“Cut!” Joss yelled from the sideline and it threw Tom off completely. Not so much because Joss was interrupting the scene but because he himself shifted back from Loki to Tom. What the hell had just happened? He shook his head and noticed that Scarlett was staring at him and not paying any attention to Joss who was talking to her.  
  
“That was great, much better than what I originally had in mind when I wrote the scene. Are you okay, Scarlett? I thought I’d cut the scene here because you looked as if you were about to slip out of character.”  
  
Scarlett managed a weak smile when she finally turned towards their director.  
“Well, Tom had me a bit scared to be honest.”  
  
Joss grinned widely.  
“Not just you. I halfway expected him to do some magic trick.”  
He winked at Tom whose forced smile wasn’t much better than Scarlett’s.  
“Sorry, I got a bit in too deep.”  
  
“No, it was perfect. We’ll definitely keep the scene like that. The only thing I worry about is how you are doing after every day of shooting. Kenneth told me about your character bleeds during Thor, but these days I cannot see the line between your acting and character bleed. Which is a compliment by the way.”  
He patted Tom’s shoulder before walking to the camera man to discuss a particular angle he wanted to do next.

Tom approached Scarlett apologetically.  
“I’m sorry for scaring you.”  
  
She looped her arm around his waist and her smile was genuine this time.  
“That’s the Tom I love. Now stop looking like a kicked puppy, you’re supposed to be the evil god of mischief.”  
  
He laughed halfheartedly, but was saved from having to respond by Joss ushering them to their positions in order to continue the scene.  
  
Tom tried hard not to think too much about what had happened, but it didn’t help that his thoughts would always return to the trickster, just like the previous weeks.   
When the day was finally over and he was ready to get out of costume, Scarlett walked over to him.  
“Tom, are you okay?”  
  
“Sure, why do you ask?”  
He looked up when he noticed Robert, Mark, Jeremy and the two Chris’s outside behind her. He managed a grin.  
“Are you trying to kidnap me, guys?”  
  
But for once they stayed serious and Chris Evans stepped forward and gently took his arms as if to make sure he wouldn’t run away. His voice was soft and laced with worry.  
“Tom, please tell us what is going on with you. You’ve not been yourself lately. And I’m not referring to your frightening character bleeds, but the fact that you have forgotten how to laugh.”  
Tom tensed and tried to think of something plausible to come up with, but Chris took another step forward and invaded his personal space. Usually he didn’t mind, but now he was afraid that the man would be able to see right through him. He tried to look away, but in the end he had no choice and his eyes flickered down to Chris’.  
“Please, Tom, tell us. It’s heartbreaking to see you like this.”  
  
Tom didn’t respond immediately and tried to find the right way to explain things without telling them too much. It was silent while his friends let him think and eventually he broke it with a sigh.  
“You’re right, something has happened.” He looked over Chris’s shoulder to the other Chris. “You remember that I told you somebody attacked me in Sydney?”  
  
Chris simply nodded, but the others gasped in shock and Robert joined Chris Evans’ side, taking a hold of Tom’s other arm.  
“Jesus, what happened?”  
  
Tom tried to stay calm though he felt a bit beset and caged by his co-stars.  
“He attacked me in my hotel room and I ended up in hospital. But it wasn’t on purpose.”  
  
Robert’s voice jumped an octave higher.  
“He attacked you and it wasn’t on purpose?!”  
  
“We were arguing and I hit a nerve,” Tom tried to make him understand.  
  
“That doesn’t excuse him attacking you. And why are you defending him anyway?”  
  
“Because I know him.” His voice was too sad, he knew it the moment he spoke out loud. His eyes met Chris Hemsworth’s and the Aussie had the feeling they had reached the whole point of this story.  
“He is the reason why you are so sad nowadays, right?”  
Tom nodded and hoped they would let it go, but Scarlett was too sharp-eyed for that.  
“He said goodbye.”  
  
Tom didn’t need to say anything, the look in his face was enough confirmation. Robert turned from Tom to Scarlett.  
“But that’s great news, why would he be upset that he never has to see his attacker again?”  
  
She just shrugged and for a moment, nobody said anything until Jeremy entered the conversation, his eyes trained on Tom in a way that made Hawkeye appear a fitting name for him.  
“Because he is in love with him.”  
  
Tom’s head snapped up and he wanted to deny it, but his mouth just opened and closed without a word coming out. Because he realized that it was true and he had never been a good liar. He could feel the other’s shocked eyes on him and then Hemsworth’s muscular body was in front of him blocking his vision.  
“Tom, tell me you don’t mean that. He almost killed you.”  
  
“I know, but I can’t help it. He is angry, he is broken and I understand that he needs to take it out on somebody.”  
  
“And that somebody has to be you because…?”  
  
Finally Tom looked up into Chris’ eyes hoping he could make his friend understand.  
“Because I’m the only one he has and I want to show him that I’m not turning away from him like everyone else did.”  
  
Neither Chris nor Tom was aware that Scarlett and Jeremy were ushering everyone out of the room and they were suddenly alone. Chris’ hand came up to grab Tom’s neck in the same way he usually did when they were filming.  
“He doesn’t deserve you.”  
  
Tom didn’t move away.  
“Chris, you know love doesn’t work that way.”  
  
And finally he could see a flicker of sympathy though mixed with hurt in Chris’ eyes and he let go of Tom.  
“Right.”  
None of them moved as they let everything sink in and now that Tom had the time to realize his feelings towards the god, he felt even more devastated. He was fighting back tears when Chris finally spoke again.  
“Does he love you too?”  
  
Tom laughed humorlessly. Loki was a god and he was just a human that happened to look like him. Images of the torturing flashed up before his eyes as if to undermine his thoughts.   
No, Loki didn’t love him and Tom couldn’t blame him. He had nothing to offer a god.  
“It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone and he will never come back.”  
  
His vision was blurring and he was glad when Chris finally dropped it and pulled him into a hug instead.  
“I’m sorry, Tom.”  
  
The two actors stayed like that for almost half an hour, no one of them aware of the figure outside of the window.  
  
Thor felt so helpless. Both Loki and Tom were suffering, but he was only doing what the Allfather had told him to and he couldn’t disobey his king.  
But he couldn’t help wondering why Odin wasn’t able to see that this human might be Loki’s only chance of redemption.

                                                                                                   ~0~  
  
The night after he had said goodbye to Tom, Loki had his first nightmare in years. And it had repeated itself every night since then.  
  
 _He dreamt of the battle on Jotünheim, the moment a frost giant grabbed his arm and it turned blue.  It changed to him watching in shock as Odin stripped Thor of his powers and banished him. Then to Odin confirming his worst fears by telling him the truth about his heritage.  The next moment Thor was hanging upside down the shattered rainbow bridge with Gungnir in one hand, Loki on the other end. And despite what Loki had done to prove his love for him, Odin refused it and Loki let go._  
 _He embraced the darkness of the void, but death wouldn’t come. Something far worse._  
  
Tonight the nightmare didn’t stop there and he didn’t awaken.  
  
 _The Titan was laughing triumphantly when Loki screamed, but then his head was forced up to look at himself in the mirror and it was Thomas’ wrecked body instead of his own._  
  
And finally Loki awoke to the darkness of the night, his breaths coming out harshly while he tried to calm down.  
“It was just a dream, nothing more,” he whispered to himself and got up from the ground where he had curled into himself and eventually fallen into a restless sleep.  
  
But despite his better knowledge Loki wondered throughout the morning whether Tom was alright and he desperately wished he could check on him. Remembering that he couldn’t do so Loki’s thoughts traveled to a more delicate matter: Between torturing the mortal and having to leave him, when exactly had he come to truly care about him? He didn’t know, but the more he thought about it, the more apparent it became that he had cared right from the start. He had simply shoved it away and settled on things that he was more familiar with, that he could take because he knew how it felt. Hurting him. It had been so much easier than allowing himself to care about Tom, Loki realized that now.  
  
He let out a frustrated yelp. Why couldn’t he have seen that sooner? Tom might be still here if he hadn’t been so stupid, so selfish.

Loki wished desperately that he could stop himself from feeling, but the hurt was getting stronger and stronger and no matter how much he was trying to deny it, he had to admit that he was falling hard for Tom. It made what he had done to the mortal even more dreadful, especially because he had no chance to make amends for it.  
  
His fist connected with the wall of the house next to him before he even realized what he was doing and he heard something crack quickly followed by a sharp pain in his hand. Loki stared blankly at the dark blood on his knuckles and was reminded of Tom’s blood on that same hand.

How he had marred the human’s body, left his mark on it as though he had possessed every right to do so. The destruction he had inflicted on Tom, both physically and mentally, it would always hunt him now that his memories had resurfaced. Loki may have been unable to break the human’s mind, but he had tainted him with his actions, the result of his madness. Tom would never be the same again. Just like Loki. Because he had dared to touch the essence of Tom’s life, something so pure that it should have burned him from the start because he was so different from it. He could still feel it bumping through his veins and Loki panicked because this was a part of Tom and he wasn’t worthy of it, he needed to get it out of him.  
  
Loki screamed and thrust his broken wrist into the wall again, the pain so strong that it silenced his spinning thoughts.  
And that was all he wanted. To forget about Tom and how he would cope with the latest events even though he knew he could not run from this. He looked down to see the dark blood on his hand, the red lines streaming down his own lower arm instead of Tom’s.   
Loki laughed in delight though painfully high-pitched, spurred on by the knowledge that there was a way to get rid of it. Loki pulled out one his little daggers with his bleeding hand, ignoring the pain the movement caused and he cut its blade along the thick vein of the other arm watching in relief as waves of crimson poured out of it. He could feel himself growing weaker by the second and it had to be because Tom’s blood was leaving his system along with his own. He dug the knife into his upper arm until it was buried to the hilt, a new fountain of gushing red and more pain that was numbing his mind. And finally Loki hit the ground and fell into unconsciousness.  
  
                                                                                                   ~0~

  
He woke almost a whole day later, but to his surprise it was in the strong arms of his brother.  
“Thor?” he croaked out and tried to focus on the familiar face above him, but his eye sight wasn’t fully working yet. But he was still able to make out when Thor’s head turned to look down at him.  
“Thank the Norns! I was afraid you’d bleed out in my arms when I picked you up.”  
  
For a moment Loki was puzzled until his thoughts caught up with him. He had tried to exsanguinate himself and Thor must have found him while he had been unconscious. His brother knew that his powers were reduced to that of an ordinary mortal, so Thor must have feared Loki could also die like one. He should rectify that, just in case something like this happened again.  
“It’s alright, Thor, I cannot die while I’m banished, at least not of my own hand.”  
  
His vision was sharpening and he could see Thor’s doubting gaze.  
“But why? When Father banished me, I was able to die and even did so as you can surely recall. I knew he would allow you to keep your immortality so you would suffer in your exile for the full 300 years, but this? Not that I am complaining about you being alive, but I would like to understand.”  
  
Loki’s weak smile was bitter.  
“He knew I would try to find a way out of this.”  
  
Thor froze and his arms tightened unconsciously, causing Loki to wince at the pressure on his fresh wounds.  
“A way out of this? Do you mean you tried to commit suicide?”  
  
“Of course I tried! I was on my own, no one of you would hear me, no matter how long I screamed for you and I had no way to touch or even talk with anyone,” he almost yelled impatiently, but his little outburst took its toll on his still weak body and he slumped back into Thor’s arms though the darkness didn’t overtake him this time.  
  
Thor shook his head vehemently though there was no way to tell if he thought Loki was wrong or if he was denying the images of Loki inflicting harm on himself.  
“Brother, what were you thinking? I understand that you were feeling miserable, but for an immortal like you 300 years is not that long of a time span. Father will take you back and then we can begin anew. Together.”  
  
Something in Thor’s voice was disconcerting to Loki, but he ignored it.  
“Thor, I hate to crush your naivety, but you need to face reality. Your father will not take me back, he never planned that. Because he knew I would not change enough for him to have a good reason to accept me back.”  
  
“I changed too,” Thor argued.  
  
“Yes, but you have a good heart, you just were too arrogant and irresponsible and he had to humiliate you to get you onto the right track. That option never existed for me because I am too twisted, too bitter, too hateful, too dangerous.”  
  
Thor’s eyes hardened and it turned their light blue to dove-colored.  
“Stop saying that! The fact that you are telling me all of this is proof enough that you are not evil.”  
  
Loki surprised them both when he burst out laughing.  
“But I am evil, dear Brother. I’m a monster.”  
  
“Stop it right now, Loki! You are my brother and I will not hear you speak ill of yourself for a second longer.”  
  
“One day you need to accept the truth. I am not your brother, I am a frost giant so I am bound to be a monster. You may have loved me before you knew the truth and now you are holding on to that childish sentiment, but in the end you will see that your love was built on a lie and it crumbled to dust when the truth was revealed.”  
  
Dark clouds were whirling above them and Mjölnir began to tremble in response to Thor’s frustration, but the effort their argument had taken on Loki was dragging him back into unconsciousness and he went limp in Thor’s arms.

For a moment the Thunderer feared Loki had breathed out his life despite his earlier claims, but then he noticed the small lifting and lowering of his ribcage and he sighed in relief.  
  
He needed to bring Loki somewhere safe. Since he was invisible to the humans, their healers wouldn't be able to help Loki and Thor wasn't familiar with Midgardian medicine, so there was only one chance left.  
  
Thor tightened his grip at Loki’s waist and gently placed his brother's feet down using the now free hand to raise Mjölnir. A moment later the gods were flying in the sky to search for Loki's mortal. Tom had returned to his house in London several days ago and Thor had only stayed nearby until he was sure that the human had arrived there safely before he had intended to return to Loki and spend a bit of quality time with him in hope of easing his loneliness until Odin would order Thor back to Asgard. This mess hadn't been what Thor had intended with quality time. He had not fully realized how much Loki was suffering and Thor felt guilt rising inside of him. Maybe if he had tried harder, Odin would have allowed him to visit Loki now and then and maybe none of this would have happened. But it was too late now.  
  
When Thor finally landed in the park nearest to Tom's house, it was already evening and no one saw him when he landed. Shortly afterwards he was standing in front of Tom’s house and ringing the door bell, silently praying that Hugin and Munin weren’t watching him. The door opened and Thor came face to face with his brother’s doppelganger.

Tom tensed, but when his eyes caught sight of the limp figure in Thor’s arms, he bolted forward with his eyes widened in worry.  
“Loki?”  
Tom froze when he saw the wounds on Loki’s arms and the dried blood on his skin.  
“Thor, what happened to him?”  
  
“He inflicted these wounds on himself and from what he told me, it was not the first time. He believes Odin will never allow him back to Asgard, so he has nothing to live for.”  
Thor winced at his own words and was glad that Tom didn’t ask further questions but stepped aside to let him in.  
  
“Take the stairs and then the door on your left. Lay him down onto the bed, I’ll search for some things to stitch him up.”  
  
Thor obeyed and Tom raced through his apartment gathering everything he had for injuries. When he joined Thor, the thunderer was standing at the end of the bed and looked absolutely devastated. He had undressed Loki before lying him onto his back and now that there was nothing to hide the dark wounds, they stood out more prominently against the porcelain skin.  
Tom ignored Thor while he was washing the dried blood off and also while he was disinfecting the injuries. Only when he began to carefully wrap Loki in pressure bandages, did he call Thor over to help him.  
“He should be in a hospital. There’s not much I can do for him.”  
  
“You know this is not possible, Thomas. At least we know it will not kill him, Odin made sure he would not be able to put himself out of his misery.”  
  
Tom frowned up at him, but didn’t speak further until they were done.  
“You know, Thor, that was why I wanted him to stay with me. Because we both knew there were only two ways for him to lash out and I didn’t want it to be like this.”  
Realizing what Tom was trying to tell him, Thor gasped and opened his mouth to talk the mortal out of this madness, but the latter held up his hand to silence it.  
“Save it, I know you don’t like it. But if you don’t want to see your brother like this again, you need to let him stay with me, at least for a while.”  
  
This was a bad idea, Thor knew it. Hugin and Munin would find out about this and then Loki would be punished even further. But the mortal was right, Loki wouldn’t stop hurting himself if he was on his own. Maybe Thor could manage to convince Odin to let him stay with Tom. Thor could see that not only did the human genuinely care for Loki, but the trickster was also very fond of Tom in return. Maybe this human could bring Loki back to Thor and he was willing to take that chance, no matter what the cost.  
  
Tom’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts.  
“I will stay with him to make sure he doesn’t get any worse.”  
  
Thor realized that this was Tom’s way of subtly dismissing him and even though he desperately wanted to stay with Loki, he knew he couldn’t. He had the feeling that Odin’s ravens were already searching for him and if he didn’t want them to find Loki in Tom’s house he needed to get away as far as possible.  
With one last glance on Loki he left him in Tom’s care.  
  
As soon as Thor was out of the house, Tom lay down on the free side of the bed and watched Loki’s ashen skin.  
“Please be okay, Loki. I’m sorry for all of this, I’m sorry.”  
He closed his eyes, but he couldn’t stop the tears from falling and shifted closer to the unconscious form to bury his face in Loki’s neck and cry.   
Since his fingers had disappeared in the black strands and he had shut his eyes tightly, he didn’t notice the green glow from his hands seeping into Loki’s skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'll be able to update every once in a while, but please be patient with me.  
> I'm currently working on a long fic for the Dean Cas Big Bang 2016, so I barely have any time (or muse) to write on anything else.  
> This does NOT mean, I will abandon this fic (not even tempoarily), but I just want you to be prepared in case updates take forever.
> 
> Your kudos and especially comments are the main reason why I have high hopes to actually finish this story by the end of the year, so please don't stop with your encouraging feedback! Criticism is also welcome of course...


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